Thursday, February 10, 2011

Rough and Tough

Today was a rough day. I think I am going to have to accept this is how it may be for a while. It is driving me and many of my family members nuts. I have to keep reminding myself that they mean well and have the best of intentions. I find I am having to ignore the limitations of my pain-wracked body and pretend I am fine, charging full speed ahead. The reaction to every wince, every struggle to sit up, every slow and creaking movement is met with so much worry and concern or oozing stress, knowing they will have to pick up the slack.. They are not used to seeing me like this, in pain but not doped up on narcotics to hide it. Actually saying "Not very good" when asked how I am. I don't want their pity. I don't want them to excuse my behavior. I don't want a big deal made but don't want to be dismissed either. I don't know what I want. All I know is that I live every day of my life with a chronic illness and that really really sucks.

But I have been sick for 6 years already, and I don't have a destination to healthy date pre-planned. I have no idea how this is going to affect me over the course of my life. Yes living with chronic pain sucks, flares suck, strange symptoms and medications and side-effects sucks. But just because we are in pain does not mean this day is not a gift to treasure, one we only get once, cannot return, and are given freely to do with as we please. But there is no rewind, no pause. So we must chose wisely in the moment. I ignored my pain this afternoon and washed both Porkie baton legs and Yorkie 13bs.of solid muscle. Kids are clean. Dinner did not get cooked. Going to bed at 9:00. Life is good...


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  1. i love reading your posts leah they remind me that i am not alone! Been up all night in pain and grabbed maybe an hour's sleep on the sofa. supposed to be on a course today but having to cancel last minute and send 4year old to my parents for the day so i can look after me.

  2. This is Fibromyalgia......real, raw and rotten to the core. This is what it really feels like and it is life-changing. Accepting the limitations is not an option.....we are going to have pain every day in one form or another. We are going to be limited. Accepting this reality is an on-going struggle.

    Going on with our life trying to rise above the live as though it's not there, to push through it to accomplish a task or to give in and let it envelop us for few days, these are the options. It doesn't seem fair, it doesn't seem right. And so it goes.

    Beautifully written, Leah.