Yesterday was awful. Terrible. Traumatic and ridiculous. I was having an okay morning. Still in sharp Amethyst pain all over my body from my final break-away from the Prednisone monster. The monster that has been a very big thorn in my side but savior for my brain for 6 months now. But I felt confident it was just a matter of days, a week at the most before it went away, and I would repeat this to myself and it would calm me down. I did my homework and set about getting ready to go to school. I am putting on my makeup and all of a sudden, low and behold, I glance at the clock and see I am somehow running late to Spanish class again! Now my profesora is strict. She takes no excuses. She is there to teach us Spanish and I feel a fool walking in late and interrupting her. Already did it once in all of 4 class meetings we have had so far. So I race there seamlessly and actually think I am going to walk in maybe 1 minute late and I'll be damned if I can't find a freakin' parking space! I am driving up and down the aisles, up and down up and down up and down. I see a person walking to their car and jam to get to their spot as they pull out only to discover someone is already waiting. Up and down up and down and I am getting frustrated. Drove up and down up and down the overflow lot and nada. I am watching plenty of people find parking spaces but my timing is seriously off. Back to the main lot as I watch the minutes click by and I still can't find a freakin' parking space! So frustrated, now 15 minutes late to class, not knowing if I should even bother, the tension pulsing in my brain and tears streaming down my cheeks. Up and down up and down and I finally grab the steering wheel and shake it with all my might and scream from deep in my gut so much anger and frustration. As loud as I could, as raw as it comes. And I am sobbing as I drive up and down up and down and suddenly it hits me.
I am a stroke survivor and don't have the luxury of behaving this way. I cannot throw tantrums like I (just) did before. I cannot pressure-cook my brain in stress and tension like I have in the past. I cannot indulge in this behavior. So I dried my tears and FINALLY found a parking space, went to the office and turned in my homework and drove myself home to have a Xanax party. Oh I was shaken up, but I don't know if it is more about the frustration or my reaction to it. Hopefully that was my last 'Roid Rage fit and I can put it all behind me and move on. Except I feel this underlying impatience that is ready to snap at every turn. I devote lots of time and take an abundance of medication to keep this snap from happening. Something is not right. Deep in my soul something is not right.
I am having a really hard time putting 1 foot in front of the other right now. And I am having an even harder time forgiving myself for this. I pray this is the end of Prednisone and I never have to say that name again But I fear there is something different in my brain, so I am mostly the same but just a little off, a bit different than how I was before. Once all the dust settles from all the medication and pain and false energy and exhaustion and manic and depression and the bevy of emotions I have felt consume me over the last half-year, what am I left with ? Who am I left with?
Thanks for joining,
Leah
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