This blog was originally published 4/9/10. Glad to see I am still carrying on about the same things!
Yesterday was dissatisfying, as I am finding yesterday so frequently is. I was in NO-productivity mode and did not get everything (or anything for that matter) done that I was supposed to, or at least usually do. I did lance the wound of the re-building phase of Fibromyalgia by pouring that reality out into this blog. Where hopefully I can leave it. But my husband comes home from work and is not very happy with me. There is no dinner, he has had to buy lunch all week, the dog is dirty and needs a haircut and was not even walked. The dishes are a mile high and I am in an orbit not even close to resembling his. Then he starts on me about going to the gym and was critical of everything I did. Standing over me and squawkin' about how I needed to watch my fingers when I was chopping (I told him if I did that I was likely to cut myself because I was not watching the knife!) and not let the dog out so far on his lead and pretty much everything I was doing was wrong or was eliciting a lecture on how to do it properly. Like I am some complete idiot. But it really got me thinking...
I have a deep and pervasive block when it comes to organizing the menial tasks of my everyday life so I can be who I want and do what I dream of. The minusha, the unconscious details that define the underlying current a person possesses. I have always had this block, Fibromyalgia just revolutionized and redefined it. And gave me a big fat excuse to indulge it. Does this relate back to a serious lack of discipline? If so then how do I have a college degree, a long-term marriage, an A in my Spanish class, a decade-long career in my field with an excellent reputation despite many health setbacks and a perfectly behaved dog? Those are core and important categories that I excel and continue to achieve in. I have set my standards high and I work very hard to meet them. But when it comes to doing yoga or putting on my makeup or making the bed every day I simply just don't have the drive. Desire. And once again, motivation.
Can I be thinking about this all wrong? Do I really need to step back and look at this from not only outside, but on top of and orbiting around the box as well? If I flip my thinking and expectations will I be amazed to find how my natural flow finds solid accomplishment? The tasks remain the same. But perhaps it is my expectation of how and when they are accomplished that need adjusting. What is my natural flow, natural inclination? At some point in the day obligation takes over and I usually accomplish something. Some chore, some task, something needing to have been done for some time now. But how do I meld the disorganized tangle of a lump that I am into streamlined and productive accomplishment achieved by tapping into my natural lean? I guess that, my friends, is the million dollar question.
Thanks for joining,