Monday, August 22, 2011

Everybody Has Them

Everyone has those days when you wake up weepy, or pissed off, and the rest of your day is viewed through those highly-emotional glasses. All of us have good days and bad days, for no indiscriminate reason. We each get those days where more than anything in the world we don't want to get up and go to work. And of course the days when we are simply too sick to do anything at all come, too. Conversely we all have experienced those days we awaken with a song in our heart, and no amount of gutter-splashed-all-over you bus encounters quiet the melody down. Oh glory the days we get good news! For that can take a bad day and turn it around all on its own. But hopefully, for the most part, our days lie somewhere in the middle of all these extremes.

I wish I were not an emotional person. I wish I did not live with my heart out in front, leading the charge for all to see. It is a painful way to live life. Vulnerable, unprotected. I have friends that wake up each day the same person. But no, not me! I know people with a generally sunny disposition. Of that I am oh so jealous. And I even know some folks a bit on the unhappy side, that still to manage to have the same temperament all day, day after day, save for some big huge dramatic event. I can even say I would prefer that, still. Because I am really starting to wonder if perhaps in all this feeling, some of the damage of Fibromyalgia wasn't punch-stamped on my brain.

They say emotional pain can cause physical. As most folks with Fibromyalgia know only too well. Many of us were prescribed anti-depressants and dismissed when we first went to the doctor and started whining about this pain and fatigue thing. Few of us got better. Most of us got worse. Because pain, trauma, illness or whatever on earth causes Fibromyalgia got there first. Then with shorted out fuses, we frazzle into an emotionally raw reality. I have walked this journey I did not choose and certainly disdain, and feel at this point emotions are the main thing standing between me and wellness. For each eruption in the delicate equilibrium I work tirelessly to create rocks me for weeks, months sometimes. It's just too much. Too much of my time, my heartache, my health and well-being. And quite frankly, too much of my potential. So in searching deep inside, dredging through the swamp to discover what really creates this massive stronghold emotion is in my life, I discover it's caused as much by other people as it is by me. In my reaction to these people. And I may not be able to change them, but there is one thing I can change, and that is what I allow their actions to do to me.

Thanks for joining,

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