Today was a rough day. I think I am going to have to accept this is how it may be for a while. It is driving me and many of my family members nuts. I have to keep reminding myself that they mean well and have the best of intentions. I find I am having to ignore the limitations of my pain-wracked body and pretend I am fine, charging full speed ahead. The reaction to every wince, every struggle to sit up, every slow and creaking movement is met with so much worry and concern or oozing stress, knowing they will have to pick up the slack.. They are not used to seeing me like this, in pain but not doped up on narcotics to hide it. Actually saying "Not very good" when asked how I am. I don't want their pity. I don't want them to excuse my behavior. I don't want a big deal made but don't want to be dismissed either. I don't know what I want. All I know is that I live every day of my life with a chronic illness and that really really sucks.
But I have been sick for 6 years already, and I don't have a destination to healthy date pre-planned. I have no idea how this is going to affect me over the course of my life. Yes living with chronic pain sucks, flares suck, strange symptoms and medications and side-effects sucks. But just because we are in pain does not mean this day is not a gift to treasure, one we only get once, cannot return, and are given freely to do with as we please. But there is no rewind, no pause. So we must chose wisely in the moment. I ignored my pain this afternoon and washed both Porkie baton legs and Yorkie 13bs.of solid muscle. Kids are clean. Dinner did not get cooked. Going to bed at 9:00. Life is good...
Blessings,
Leah
