Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Stop The World, I Want To Get Off

Well I sobbed on my walk with Yorkie and Porkie today. This is becoming quite a trend! The feelings of frustration and anger and just being sucked and sucked and sucked dry is overwhelming me! That joke of a stay-cation with my husband really got the ball rolling and I am starting to fall apart! I have today and hopefully tomorrow without the excruciating Black Bleeding Amethyst pain stepping down on Prednisone gifts me with. I have not done yoga in 2 weeks now and was up until 3am just getting the house put back together. Not clean, no laundry or bills or anything really accomplished, just took it out of after-the-bomb-shelter mode so I could actually find things. Everything in my life is unfinished or needs to be done, or started, for that matter. 

What I really need is a retreat all to myself. Where I can wake up each day and know that day is mine. Not Fibro's, not my husband's, not The Crusades, not my home's, not the telemarketer's trying to sell me vinyl siding. Just mine to make whatever I want out of it with no responsibility if I dare to forget about anything obligatory. Dream on girl, we all need that! Back when I was living in San Francisco and working in the department store, one of my employees who had CFS spoke with a client, a doctor in Italy, about the illness. The doctor felt it was an environmental sort of illness and the best way to recover was to CHANGE YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY. New husband, new job, new country to live in. Just start over. There are many things in my life I would never let go of, but I am so burnt out and need a break and quite frankly, certain aspects of that theory sound appealing to me!

So in the midst of all this self-pity and wallowing and anxiety and tears I decided to sign up for Spanish Conversation class at the community college. I took Spanish 1 last spring and LOVED IT. Worked my much-smaller then tushy off for an "A". I had serious concern that I would be able to learn and retain new information, but low and behold, this tired ticker up here actually did! And quite well, I might add. It soon became something I was solely doing for me. Something that benefited no one or anything else in my life and I relished the opportunity to pursue a dream, my dream. Learning Spanish is one of those "life to do list" things for me. I want to live in Spain one day, love to travel in Mexico and plan to  extensively explore Central and South America. Unfortunately I had to halt advancing my studies because I was so jacked up on Prednisone after my strokes that to sit in a classroom and try and pretend to be normal during fall semester was a joke. But I am trying again. Fall off the bike and get back on. Nothing too hard or challenging, for this stroke survivor can't push too hard, but it will keep Spanish fresh on my mind and give me some routine and expectation to my week that takes me away from cooking dinner, folding laundry and cleaning toilets in an endless circle every day.

Thanks for joining,

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