Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A Stay-cation Is Not A Vacation

10 days with my husband at home. 10 days. For you long-married women out there I don't even need to say anything more. For the rest of you, well, it was SO good to have time to relax and spend together but was quite hard on me personally, and hard on the organization of our life, which I manage. I woke up this morning to a VERY messy house, un-organized everything, seriously unpaid bills and major panic over how to put it all back together again. I feel overwhelmingly disconnected from this blog and our Fun House. This has really made me truly grasp how important The Crusade, and all the components that make it what it is, are to me. It is anchored deep, my life force, in my blood, my beating heart. In the midst of stay-cation madness I had to place another order for Awareness Bands and that, in and of itself, makes me jump up and down with glee (and then go take a Tramadol)! We really are marching forward, moving ahead as we talk and talk and pass out postcards and show off our awareness bands and key chains. The strength The Fibromyalgia Crusade brings makes it so much easier for ME to talk about it, and I hear that same musing from so many of my readers and friends.

During this vacation-at-home my husband and I faced many challenges that are easy to ignore or sweep under the rug when life together is delegated to 2 short days on the weekend. The first few days were fun, kinda like "playing house". Everything I dreamed of when I was a little girl and would hope and wish about my future. We were autonomous adults with no responsibility! It was great! But then the days kept passing and I slowly lost my grip on any illusion of control over my life. We started staying up till 3 o'clock in the morning and waking up at noon. My husband is a man (obviously) and takes 20 minutes to pull himself together to get out the door. I am a woman and need a good 45 minutes, and that is just the time I need for me, my business not included. So while he jumps up and is ready to go start the day I have barely turned on the computer, checked in on the Fun House, email or blog, paid bills, signed up for classes or any of the other myriad of responsibilities I hold, being the household manager. My desire to make my husband happy and ensure he enjoyed his much needed time off far outweighed my personal needs and I slowly but surely, without even being aware of it, became the sacrificial lamb. I washed my hair once, showered maybe every 3 days and left the house without makeup on more than I care to admit (I know this is not important to everyone but it is to me). I did not exercise AT ALL and basically felt, the last few days, like a marionette that existed for his amusement.

Now I am in no way blaming him for this. These were all choices I made. And I believe this was a necessary process for me to go through, forcing me to take a step-back and look at my life. I was just needing an excuse to indulge my every whim and my husband's vacation provided it. I wanted to let all order and discipline go and see if it still existed without my enforcement. Obviously it does not. I constantly vacillate between being uptight and efficient and relaxed and enjoyable. I have yet to find a way to meld the two. Life is short, and every moment must be enjoyed. But a life of chaos where I neglect my core values, what is important to me, is not enjoyable. So it is in finding the middle ground, where true success lies, that I am working towards. He went back to work this morning and I woke up, took one look at the bomb-shelter my house resembled, and declared myself a calm and serene purveyor of the household. I set my efforts toward fixing all that went awry over this last week, both with myself and my home, and in a few days all will be back to normal. Hopefully with me a little clearer in my heart and mind on who I am and what it requires to be that person. But one thing is for sure. The next time he takes any time off of work I am going camping, with our without him.

Thanks for joining,

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1 comment:

  1. Set yourself first.. your needs, and what ever else you need to do to live the life that is importent for you to function..

    It took me a good few years to learn this.. Being a fibro-girl myself, I needed to go down the path that you just did, just to learn and then change the things that made me unwell..

    Good luck.. and by all means, go camping if you want to :)