Monday, January 31, 2011

How Has My Marriage Survived Fibromyalgia?

I logged onto Facebook this morning, feeling estranged and isolated from my Fibro family. This weekend absorbed all of me in a physical pain and emotional anguish debauchery of lowered Prednisone dosing and all the joys that accompany coming off that drug. Just taking the dogs on a walk this morning picked me up and plopped me right back in the middle of Northern California, about 2007. Pick any month, the weather sucks all the time, and that feeling of every muscle screaming with the slightest movement and each nerve ending snaking and snapping pain throughout every inch inside of my body. Each step a prayer closer to home. I truly battle between accepting that this is the new me post-strokes, and this is just the adjustment of coming off Prednisone and I will resume my nicely managed form of Fibromyalgia once this drug is out of my system (what my doctor thinks). Somehow I get the feeling it is not going to be that easy. 

I glanced at my feed and my attention was drawn to a blog from the NFA about Fibro and relationships, marriage and dating. This is something we ALL deal with, for we are not the people we once were, and hanging onto a relationship from then is very difficult. So is finding a new one with the limitations Fibro imposes. Its a no-win, sticky situation. The author of the blog quickly discloses her 3 failed marriages and proceeds to describe how her illness impacted her first one, the man to whom she was married when she first got sick and received her diagnosis. She could not participate in the active social life they once shared (sound familiar?) and he went on without her. And that stopped me cold. Because it made me realize one of the key components of why my marriage is still successful is because my husband refused to do that. If we had plans and I was too sick to go, we canceled. If an opportunity arose to attend a function but it was after a long day of work for me, we declined. He would sit by my miserable and complaining and bitching and moaning side, watching Law & Order re-runs, miserable himself I am sure. But he stuck by me. I felt terrible, like I was keeping him in prison, begging and pleading him to not quit his life because I had to quit mine, but he always refused, never a question in his mind that he would rather be with me as I was than without me anywhere.

So when I started getting better and living life again, we started living life again. And as we discovered the reality that mess of an illness left my life in, shambles and broken, it was our life to put back together again. I started hearing from him that he was so glad to be getting his wife back. Still to this day he is quite protective of our time and does not want to spend it with a lot of other people. How did I get this lucky? Beats the hell out of me, but that is what I got. It is normal, I suppose, to put your own needs above your partners or "the relationship's" needs. But my husband was never that man. He wanted me by his side in everything he did or he was not going to do it. He has always been a bit obsessive, and our relationship is no exception. He has sacrificed in many ways, because of my illnesses. Yet last night as we are going to bed I shake my head and say, "This has been an insane life, a crazy last 5 years." His reply was that it had been for me. I was the one all this crap had happened to. I asked him so what, then, he has just been along for the ride? He smiled and said yes.

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  1. I was diagnosed with fibro last March and how much my life has changed since that day the neurologist told me what I had. I am so very fortunate to have the husband I do, he has been my steadfast companion all the way. Up over the bumps in the road, down into the valleys of despair, up again for days where I just moan and groan and have a pity-party, he is here for me! I pinch myself in wonder, wondering how lucky I was to find him eight years ago, after a failed marriage of 22 years had left me scared, hurt and broken. My first husband had no patience for me at all, it was always about him. Long story short, when I met Mark I was given a guardian Angel. We are still in the honeymoon stage of our marriage and fibro has reared its ugly head alot lately. But TOGETHER he and I will keep on going...

  2. You are a very lucky woman with a very understanding and loving husband. I have went through numerous men who can't handle the fibro. I have dated a man off and on for five years. He never knew me before I got sick, but still expects me to be more than I am. I am looking for the kind of love that can make it through this terrible disease.

  3. So much of it has to do with the friendship. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating and I really got to know the QUALITY of person he was without all the "new relationship" pretense. We really like each other as people and that makes a BIG difference. For whatever reason he likes me. I won't question it, I'll take it!

  4. ;) Tears of joy in my eyes for you and your husband.

    When all else fail, the friendship of a marriage bears through the tough times..

    For better or for worse, eh... ?

  5. Leah,

    Well, you said you were friend before you got married and got to know him over two years. What about me?? I married my best friend in 1998 after a failed marriage with an unloving and uncaring man. I met my best friend in June of 98 and I married my best friend in Nov of 98. That's right! i only knew him five months. He was everything i wanted and I was everything he wanted. We just........knew. He has been through this crazy illness for 10 years of our 12 year marriage. so yes, he knew me before the illness. He misses the old me, just like i miss the old me. But somehow, we, formed a new life. He is so kind to me, loving, caring, supportive, and yes, still my best friend. this Nov 2011 will be our 13th anniversary and I couldn't be happier :) So.....yes, you can fall in love with your best friend in a matter of a few months, if he is out there, he will find you. and when it is right. You BOTH will know.


  6. Lucky are those of us who have such caring & undestanding husbands.I for one am one of those.
    Hubby has followed me through he "redefining" my life time, depressions & the whole load.
    He is patient & loving.Knows that when we are invited out & decline at the last moment, that my pains are beyond my control & stays home with me without ever complaining .He is my gift from God.
    Nicole Vergara

  7. He likes you because even in your worst moments you are intersting and charasmatic. And it doesn't hurt that you are fyne gurl, lol.

    Yes I still read this thing, lol