Being Normal Sick

I think getting sick is a FABULOUS way to usher in the new year. Mandatory, in fact! There is nothing to a Fibrate like a good old fashioned bout with the flu, or bronchitis, pneumonia, strep, even just a simple old fashioned cold will do the trick. See, adding another layer of illness to our already complex array of maladies is just another way to stir the pot of misery, mix it up a little, give us a bit of variety. We tend to get so bored with the constant and pervasive body pain, fatigue, migraines, fog-brain, insomnia and other issues Fibromyalgia so generously and faithfully hands us on a daily basis. What's so bad about a little fever thrown in, some chills and aches, coughing up a lung or two, some vomiting or diarrhea? I mean really, folks, can you expect Fibro symptoms only to keep you occupied? It really is necessary to get "normal sick" to remember how much worse it could all be, right? Especially when we are embarking on a new year, a fresh start, a new resolve so determined to kick Fibro's ass and get control back in our lives! Silly silly we, it is so important to get this additional new year illness to remind us that our health problems ain't goin' anywhere and neither are we...

I feel that as much as I try, beat my head against the wall making lists and promises and checklists and imagining routines that are both nurturing and actualize my dreams simultaneously, my efforts are thwarted. Partially by me, for I am eternally trying to turn myself into what I am not. I am not extremely organized, OCD, anal retentive, on the ball...whatever expression you want to use. I like the idea of sticking to a schedule but am too much of a rebel to actually find solace in it. I am NOT the same woman every day. Some days I wake up and feel great, ready to conquer the world. Most days I wake up and want to go back to sleep. For being a person of poor health comes with its own dictations and demands, and then there is the illness itself! The real reason I cannot take charge of my life and just do it, as the Nike ads I grew up with so simply stated. Make up your mind and do it. I remember those days fondly. Days where I would get an idea in my head and formulate a plan and execute it and actually change my life with not much more than hard work and determination.

But it is so hard to not feel the victim when one is chronically ill! It is so hard to stop asking "Why me?" and take responsibility for the quality of life you lead. Either you over-ride the impulses to ignore change or forgive yourself for not being able to over-ride the impulses to ignore change. But this constant state of flogging oneself for not embracing perfection, being stronger than the pain, pushing through the illness, that is what really gets us down. Is self-acceptance the cornerstone of managing Fibromyalgia? Is living sick an art, a skill that we must teach ourselves if we wish to co-exist with anyone healthy on this planet? I don't know, can only surmise, but do know that when I am nice to me, don't push myself or get stressed out about my myriad of imperfections, I feel a whole lot better than when I am not.

Thanks for joining,

Leah

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