Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Grumpy Grumpy Grouch Grouch

I pushed "publish" on my cheerful and upbeat blog yesterday, bragging about how I can just ignore Fibro and have a fun week of "stay-cation" with my husband, and promptly burst into tears. I was in so much pain. I was a bloody dark Amethyst in mood. I was so angry that I can't do simple things like blog at the coffee shop for hours on end sitting on their bloody uncomfortable chairs and suffer no consequences. I knew it was coming, for I could not conduct a conversation with my friend on the phone I was in such a fog, but I wanted so badly to deny it! I felt guilt, of course, for infringing on our fun time and ruining his vacation since I already feel I have ruined his life. I was a radiating ball of negativity and sorrow. Came home, took some meds, got comfy on the sofa and relaxed all that tension a bit. But I knew today was gonna be a "flare pay-day" and even the thought of that pissed me off!

Of course when I woke up this morning I was foggy and already hurt, and Fibro does not usually hit me until I get out of bed. I wondered how well the full impact of a flare was going to go over with my husband. I went to get the mail and take the dogs out and on our way back I tripped and fell, and I mean fell hard! Luckily no one was around except for two unruly puppies that used the opportunity of my distraction to act up and run out into the parking lot! I gathered my scattered mail, pathetic self and bratty dogs and hobbled home, shameful and angry. My husband quickly turned negative and rude in reaction to my whiny and angry outbursts surrounding the whole incident, telling me I was to volatile and up and down. At this point I watched the impact of Fibro on a relationship and gained some incredible insight. The significant's in our lives don't want to deal with it. They cannot fix it, don't have it and often we do not allow them to have emotions or feelings about it. We are so busy trying to be believed, taken seriously and understood that we don't let them express how this impacts their life.

Spouses, committed partners, close family and die-hard friends go through this journey with us, yet we feel so alone and isolated. I think they do too. I think we have become so desperate in our plea to be heard that we have stopped listening to those closest to us. A while back I was discussing this topic with my husband. He was telling me how strong I am and how much he admires my fight. I told him he was too, but he responded I was the strong one, for I was the one with the illness. I proclaimed this happened to him too! He did not see it, could not grasp my point of view. I used my little brother as an example. I told him my parents don't have Autism, but by having an Autistic child, Autism happened to them too. He got it, he understood. So when he comes back from lunch with my uncle I am going to throw my arms around him and thank him for being here. He may not always act or react the way I want him to but this is his life as well, and he also deserves to be heard.

Thanks for joining,

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  1. Another on the nose blog. Leah- how on earth do you blog about everything I am going through? <3

  2. Sleeping Beauty, I feel the same way.

    Leah, I wonder if that is what I've been going through in "Living Lost" at least, it seems to make sense to me. My family and closest friends don't know or understand everything that I've been through. Even though they have been my support system and have gone through it all with me. You are a true blessing, for you have such insight which allows all of us to understand and relate to each other. XOXO