Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Where O' Where Has My Happiness Gone

Dear Depression,

My old friend, you have been away for such a long time. I did not miss you at all and was grateful for the distance and separation. In the back of my mind I wanted to believe you had gone for good! That you were just the child of a mixed-up adolescence bred with a chemical imbalance, and all my hard work  had rid me of you and your morose grip on my life forever! Once you left me I was able to see sunshine and rainbows. I was reminded to laugh and play and joke and have fun. I found a new friend, optimism, and  we forged a deep and lasting bond. I made progress in pursuing my hopes and dreams and goals and ambitions. I developed faith in myself and stood tall and proud in who I was. The future looked so bright!

But alas, you have come back to haunt me and I am shocked at how real you feel. How acute the pain and anguish and bitterness and just plain anger are. How I ache inside to the point that tears spring from my eyes entirely void of provocation. Everything looks flat and lifeless and I question the choices I am  making for my future. Panic and dread and impending doom shuffle through my psyche like records in a jukebox. I can feel optimism sprouting little buds at the base of all this pain, only to be wiped out once you realize they are there. They are replaced with the movie reel of negativity you run through my brain, possessing intimate knowledge of how I work and what makes me tick. Simply being asked a question sends me into a withering, blithering mess and at moments I have no clue as to how I am actually going to survive this.

But I will be damned if the sum of my existence is going to be wiped out by fear and despair! I know I will skip through fields of Lilacs once again and regain active participation in the progress of my life. I know I will laugh and feel joy again. I am blessed with my life and in my life, I am loved by many that truly know me and have, through trial and error, experienced the deeper down this hole I sink, the further I have to climb to get out.  I spent 6 months high as a kite on Prednisone as treatment for two strokes I had last summer. Perhaps this is my re-balance phase, my yin softening the forceful and dominant yang that sent me racing around for months. Whatever it is, I am taking the pro-active and responsible approach and seeing my doctor tomorrow. For my mental state is unbalanced and that is an unsafe place to reside.

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  1. Hang in there Leah...A trip to the doc is just what....well, you know.

  2. Leah Thank You! You seem to be on my wavelength and I am sure thousands of others. I get so darn tired of not feeling well, I used to break and train horses and I intend to at least let myself ride and Dance on the Wind again

  3. Good for you, Leah for recognizing the signs and getting yourself in to the dr right away. So often, we deny it for too long and end up in the vortex of a tornado spiraling out of control. You have many people who love you and will help lift you up out of the depression. Give yourself time and space to heal and feel like Leah again.

  4. Your Words that I just read ..is like looking in the Mirror of Myself..I Pray for You Leah That You will get the help from Your Doc's so you can feel better and continue to be here for all the rest of us..Soft gentle huggs xoxoxo

  5. Wow... It must be in the air! I am new to your site and I have to say in just the few weeks I have followed you, you have given me hope! I have been so depressed and in so much pain and your fearlessness is such an inspiration. As I go to bed tonight I will add you to my prayers. Thank you for being so honest in your own time of despair you really are an inspiration and I have no doubt you will find yourself in a field of lilac's very soon.

  6. Leah, I found your blog just a couple of days ago and all I can say is WOW. I thought I was the only one feeling this way, living day by day in pain and in a fog. People say snap out of it or all you need is some exercise its not that easy for us. Thank you and I hope you start feeling better soon.

  7. it's so hard to say goodbye to the good stuff and wait for it to come back. while doing all that we can, we wait for the chemicals to balance out again so we can drop the cloak of despair and reclaim our lives. until our lives become vibrant again. i think i understand exactly what you are describing as i have the good stuff right now. but. i'm waiting for the ground to fall out from under me turning my days to gray again. any day this could happen which makes me enjoy the brighter days all that much more.