Where O' Where Has My Happiness Gone

Dear Depression,

My old friend, you have been away for such a long time. I did not miss you at all and was grateful for the distance and separation. In the back of my mind I wanted to believe you had gone for good! That you were just the child of a mixed-up adolescence bred with a chemical imbalance, and all my hard work  had rid me of you and your morose grip on my life forever! Once you left me I was able to see sunshine and rainbows. I was reminded to laugh and play and joke and have fun. I found a new friend, optimism, and  we forged a deep and lasting bond. I made progress in pursuing my hopes and dreams and goals and ambitions. I developed faith in myself and stood tall and proud in who I was. The future looked so bright!

But alas, you have come back to haunt me and I am shocked at how real you feel. How acute the pain and anguish and bitterness and just plain anger are. How I ache inside to the point that tears spring from my eyes entirely void of provocation. Everything looks flat and lifeless and I question the choices I am  making for my future. Panic and dread and impending doom shuffle through my psyche like records in a jukebox. I can feel optimism sprouting little buds at the base of all this pain, only to be wiped out once you realize they are there. They are replaced with the movie reel of negativity you run through my brain, possessing intimate knowledge of how I work and what makes me tick. Simply being asked a question sends me into a withering, blithering mess and at moments I have no clue as to how I am actually going to survive this.

But I will be damned if the sum of my existence is going to be wiped out by fear and despair! I know I will skip through fields of Lilacs once again and regain active participation in the progress of my life. I know I will laugh and feel joy again. I am blessed with my life and in my life, I am loved by many that truly know me and have, through trial and error, experienced the deeper down this hole I sink, the further I have to climb to get out.  I spent 6 months high as a kite on Prednisone as treatment for two strokes I had last summer. Perhaps this is my re-balance phase, my yin softening the forceful and dominant yang that sent me racing around for months. Whatever it is, I am taking the pro-active and responsible approach and seeing my doctor tomorrow. For my mental state is unbalanced and that is an unsafe place to reside.

Thanks for joining,

Leah

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