Thursday, March 24, 2011

I Am Getting My Fight Back

Either that, or this terrible impatience and frustration and I kinda have to admit, pure anger pouring out of me is the premonition of a flare. But I have to say all I do is look around at the wreckage that is my life and get really pissed off. The dust bunnies are having babies, getting my carpet cleaned has only made it dirtier, not that I ever vacuum. The laundry needs to be done, dishwasher emptied and re-loaded, dogs need a bath and I need blonde roots on my head and the dirt cleaned out from under my fingernails. And don't get me started on the condition of the bottom of my feet! My bills need to be paid and taxes prepped. Let's not even mention The Crusade, the new website, our next strategy to push our fight for awareness forward. People in general annoy me. I am so sick of advice! I know what I need to do, I am just not doing it. I think all it does is make the advice-giver feel good, useful, needed. I try to be nice but inside I am impatient and seething. It is all I can do to not snap or even yell. It is not my job to make you feel good about yourself! But these are just people that are trying to help me! And physically I feel great! Lilac pain, walked my doggies, did my yoga. I am trying so hard to remind myself that the aftermath of my strokes last summer could have been so much worse, but that does little to comfort me or sooth the raging monster inside. 

I am so sick and tired of EVERYTHING being a struggle! I recall fondly, all reality aside, a carefree youth of playfulness and passion. Of not worrying about tomorrow or caring much about today except for finding the fun. The next thing to do. Of hanging out, no plans or destination in mind. Just being. Of keeping my front door unlocked and yelling Come in to every knock, knowing it is another friend coming to play, have some fun. Now I get annoyed if someone calls and wants to spontaneously come over. They upset my order, my balance of what I thought my day would be, and just suck from me the energy I need to meet my basic obligations. I am an empty well with nothing to give, and it is beginning to infuriate me! I want to learn Spanish, look fabulous, take Salsa lessons with my husband. I want friends to play with, I want my social life back! I want to go on vacation! I don't want every ping and pang I feel to send me into a PTSD tailspin of fear that something else is going to happen to me. Fibromyalgia is going to overtake me again. Pancreatitis is going to strike. When I get a headache I don't just get a headache, I get a fat dose of paranoia that I am going to stroke again and I constantly live on the verge of fear that I am going to die. For there are NO guarantees in life and I have felt this first hand too many times.

So all of that being is up to me to fix this. When there is a problem in life you can either change the problem or change your attitude about the problem. So many of my problems are not in my control. So the attitude needs adjusting. That is in my control. I can channel this force of frustration into productivity and start fixing these little nuisances in life that are overtaking my happiness, gratitude, grace and generosity. I can take a deep breath and stop expecting Superwoman to come back. I just don't think she ever will. I can be kind to myself and take joy in cleaning my home bits at a time, as my body will allow, making it beautiful for my family. I can revel in bath time with the puppies, for they will not be here forever. I can be grateful that even though it is by the skin of our teeth, the bills do get paid eventually. I can live a life of intention and purpose, not chaos as though every event has swept me out to sea. I can put my faith in front of my fear and persevere. And as my favorite lyricist Eminem says in his anthem of opportunity, Success is my only option, failure is not...feet fail me not cuz maybe the only opportunity that I got.

Thanks for joining,

Please "Follow" Chronicles of Fibromyalgia on Networked Blogs on Facebook. Click here, its the 5th one down. Only 18 more needed to take 4th place! Thanks!


  1. I would be pissed off too if I had the energy. But I am too depressed right now to care. Sick and tired of Fibro and CFS!!!

  2. Wow! This could have been written by me yesterday! I realized just how angry I am that my life has turned into this mess that is fibro & that in the back of my mind I keep thinking that everything will "return to normal" any moment now. *Sigh* Leah, it's probably no comfort but your feelings are shared not only by me, but others as well. Hugs to you!

  3. AMEN to all of you cause I have struggled for SOOO LONG to express that this is not the life I CHOOSE its the life I have been GIVEN I try so hard to FIGHT for the energy to do what NEEDS to be done that its hard to ENJOY the things I WANT to do !!! My family just doesnt get that if it werent for having a disability before the fibro I probably could function somewhat on most days but because I am paralyzed from the waist down cause of Spina Bifida and NOW have to deal with the fibro and CFS I feel like I have LITTERALLY been runover by a garbage truck MOST DAYS !!! There might be a few weeks here and there that I feel GREAT but I never know when thats gonna happen or how long its gonna last every time is different as you all know !!! Love ya my fibro sisters !!!

  4. i love the line where you said, throw me into a PTSD tailspin of fear that something else is going to happen. at the time i had that the worst my doctor was sending me to shrinks to get a hold of my anxiety and panic and borderline agoraphobia. if someone could have put what i was going through into words like you did just now it would have saved me a whole lot of time, energy, money, and heartache. thank you for your way with words!