Every Monday morning I start out with a new resolve. Actually, it is Sunday night when I begin the fantasy and anticipate the perfect me that is going to emerge from my bed the next day. I am gonna walk the dogs every morning this week, come home and do yoga, check in with the Fun House and pretty myself up for the day everyday. I am going to blog inspiring and rebel-rousing essays and push this march towards Fibromyalgia awareness forward at the speed of light. I will clean a little bit of my house each day, run my errands and make it to the post office, leisurely arriving home to cook made-from-scratch wholesome dinners every night. I am going to be calm and peaceful and organized and the IRS is going to forget I exist. My bills will be paid on time each month and my house will remain neat and tidy at all times. I am going to come up with brilliant and creative ways to draw attention to our cause, the "business" part if all of it will just get itself done and everything will be accomplished by 6pm when my husband comes home from work and the gym. After we eat dinner I do the dishes and we settle in for a bit to watch some TV before bed. I am not distracted or irritable or, well, human. Oh just writing it out makes me tired...
Because that is not what happens. EVER. I frequently oversleep, wake up with a headache, bad mood or flare. I may walk the dogs a few days a week but the getting pretty part happens only if I have somewhere to be. An appointment or plans or such. I usually fly by the seat of my pants, racing out the door at 4:45 to get to the post office before they close at 5. Dinner has not been made, my house has not been cleaned and my dear husband is out of clean underwear but says nothing so he does not add to my self-induced stress and anxiety. I have had Fibromyalgia for 7 years now and I still hold the above paragraph as reasonable expectations! My what to strive for in life. I am under the grand illusion that because I no longer "go to work" every day I can blow both Donna Reed and Martha Stewart out of the water with my perfect housewife-ness. I seem to have forgotten that the reason I no longer get up to go to work every day is because I am too sick to do so.
7 years. One would think I would have figured it out by now. Pacing. Forgiving myself. Not just lowering but completely re-defining my expectations of productivity. Scheduling some "down" time. Putting my health management somewhere near the top of my priority list. Sometimes I wonder if I am so hard on myself so as to beat anyone else to the punch? I was raised to persevere, push through the stress and struggles. Ignore my biological signs and symptoms like clanging cymbals pouring out of me to stop hurting myself! My many years in retail were no illusion. I was good at what I did and came to believe there was a $ sign in place of my face as far as my superiors were concerned. I ceased to be a human being and became a commodity. I have retired from that 3-ring-circus, but I still treat myself this way. Become disappointed when my unrealistic expectations are not met and chastise myself for not being more on the ball. Really folks, I think I need a lot more fun in my life, for this is getting ridiculous.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
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I though I was the only one who had these fanstys..its funny when i could work all a ever dreamed about is everything i could do if i werent working..now Im too sick to work and I cant even stand long enough to put my clean laundry way with out a break 0-o
ReplyDeleteBelieve me after about 11 years down the line you will know better, do what you can, and not feel upset, unworthy, or just plain a failure by that time, because your body will teach you oh no you "didn't" the pain and fatigue are not worth it, your love ones really do like you dressed up with makeup and stuff but they really like to see you laughing, not because you are ready to go wild and scream due to pain, but are a good partner, friend and person that really is doing their best and that comes with putting your health first, not self so much but health. And now I am tired just reading the blog of Monday. I am so glad I have overcome those fantasies. Love you all, Stay cool, Portia Jordan
ReplyDeleteOh Leah, i know how ya feel. I do the same thing day in and day out. Tomorrow will be better, over and over...I feel so much better when thing are done...the house is clean, there is food in the fridge and i am all pretty for my hubby... It just never happens... But, i will keep trying, day in and day out, because my heart and mind are in the rite place... Never give up Leah!!!
ReplyDeleteTo a lesser extent thats me exactly...I don't have a husband to take care of and my kitties are less upkeep than doegs...I do work outside the ome for from 3 to 7 hours a week and that leaves me totaled out for at least a day, sometimes more. If you ever find the elixir for this...please pass it on!!!!! PLEASE!
ReplyDeleteTry a life time of down that road and still setting goals and not accomplishing them. Fifty two years of FM 28 of it diagnosed and I still set goals and have plans. LOL I guess that is a good thing though, it shows that we do not give up....maybe have displeasure with what we can not accomplish everyday. But, at least we continue to strive for a life! Hang in there. : )
ReplyDeleteJust reading your description of what you wanted to accomplish exhausted me! lol
ReplyDeleteBefore I go to sleep at night, I calmly envision what would constitute a GOOD day. This does not necessarily equate to a busy one. I go over in my mind what absolutely must be accomplished the next day (usually a single appointment or deadline), and then ponder secondary things that would be nice to accomplish if time and energy permit. If I do not get to the secondary things, I may defer it to the following day or decide it is not important enough to do at all.
I gave up makeup, dressing up and styling my hair many years ago because they took up energy I needed for necessities such as feeding myself and (very) mild exercise. I shower most days when able, so even though I am not glamorous for my husband, I am clean and usually smiling when he gets home. I keep up with the dishes to keep the kitchen sanitary, put away my clean clothes after my husband has washed them, and my husband scrubs the bathroom. Other than that, the house cleaning is toward the bottom of the priority list because it is beyond my capability and I see no point in worrying about it.
But I have had 14 years to adjust to fibromyalgia and my various other ailments. I'm certainly not perfect by any means, but the passage of time has allowed me to develop coping skills I could not even imagine during those first couple of horrid years.
I still have a life. It's just different from that of a healthy person's.