Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Answer

My dear husband opens the door to the truck this morning. Upon viewing the open empty glove compartment with papers and napkins and coupons and what have you strewn all over the front seat and floor, he chuckles and asks if this is my doing. I sheepishly admit yes, it is. Yesterday I was driving and crying and the makeup was stinging my eyes so badly I could not see and I could not find a napkin or tissue so in true Leah tantrum fashion I grab fist fulls of whatever is in there and chuck it, trying desperately to find that Kleenex so I could see to drive! I was in such a bad space I never cleaned it up, forgot about it actually. 

I saw my doctor this morning for my increasing depression and anxiety post-strokes and Prednisone. We discussed the feelings of dread, impending doom, lethargy, worthlessness, anxiousness, oh all those fun things that start taking over if not addressed and dealt with. My doctor questioned the frequency of my holistic self-care; walking, yoga and meditation. I fessed up that I have not been taking care of myself the way I should. I swear if I am not chained to a hospital bed I am up running around and doing doing doing everything that needs to be done! Except for taking care of myself, that is. We discussed medications and he made a few adjustments but was adamant that no drug will ever do what exercise and meditation will do. What taking care of myself, controlling my environment, laughing and loving and enjoying life will do. We also discussed medicinal marijuana. He explained that marijuana blocks the brain receptors from other types of medication, inhibiting their effectiveness. It was interesting to get a Psychiatric opinion on a topic of such hot debate.

So I rushed rushed rushed around the rest of the day, frantically trying to get everything done that needs to be done (which is a joke in and of itself, for everything is never done), whipping myself up into quite a frenzy. Trying to pay rent is like robbing Peter to pay Paul only to rob Paul to pay Peter! I am still feeling a little weepy and whoa is me when it came time to pick up The Fibromyalgia Crusade tee shirts that will actually fit people from the screen printers. But then I see them, just as beautiful as the last batch, and remember what I am doing this all for. I fill up with good feelings that simultaneously force out the pent up stress and frustration, and I know it is going to be okay. I ate dinner with the wedding reception of Sonny and Brenda on General Hospital instead of stuffing my face at the computer between comments and questions. I am going to bed when my husband does tonight and I am going to walk those doggies in the morning and then come home and do yoga if that is the last thing I do! But it won't be, because I have tee-shirts for you all. The buttons and a sizing chart will be up tomorrow ;)

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  1. You really are inspiring! Thank you for making me feel not so alone on this journey! I started a regimen of supplements in place of pharmaceutical medications. I know it will take some time! I am crossing my fingers! Again thank you for what you are doing! You make a difference!

  2. Good for you Leah. We all know the advice we give everyone have to take care of yourself first if you want to have the energy left to take care of others. Put ourselves first. That seems to go against some inner rule we have...........the rule that we have to take care of everything and everyone else first and then take care of ourselves if there's time left. Your dr gave you good advice. Some day I'm going to take my own advice.

  3. Leah, that doc had his head stuck up his @$$. He has never felt the pain we do. I am all for holistic healing (which I practice) and Western medicine as needed. If he continues not to meet your needs move on. I have been in worst flare ever and my doctor knows that medication, positive outlook, and yoga can do so much. I think very highly of you and hope that one day we can all enjoy our lives to the fullest. Gentle hugs and lots of love.

  4. Leah, so sorry you were having a rough time! It is so difficult to take care of ourselves sometimes, isn't it? Glad that the day ended better than it began. Hugs to you!

  5. I do hope you feel better soon! It is hard to take care of yourself when you have so much to do, I know! I hope today will be a better day for you!