Today finds me on the other side of my post-holiday, post-sick flare and I am amazed at how much has gotten away from me! I have been indulging Fibromyalgia, buying my own excuses that keep me unproductive and lazy. Making mental agreements with myself that justify this behavior. Whining and complaining in my head that I hurt so therefore I could not possibly be expected to keep up a routine. Bargaining with myself to excuse my lackadaisical drive and refusal to exercise discipline in doing all the things that are required to make my life successful. Today it all came swirling down around me and I have jumped on top of it and am screaming ENOUGH! Enough with the excuses, the mental crutch I have allowed my physical well being to become. Enough handing over my life, my dreams, my goals and aspirations. Yeah I may still hurt and feel like crap a fair amount of the time but I don't care...I am taking my life back!
I am inherently rebellious and a night owl. These two factors are creating quite a conflict with the smooth, successful and on the ball image my mind wants me to become. I stay up late, sleep in late, have not been doing yoga and because of that it now hurts too much to walk the dogs. I am back to relying on pills to manage my pain instead of my lifestyle. I am a big fleshy ball of flab and jiggle yet still stuffing my face like I am entitled, all because I don't feel well. I am spiraling down the rabbit hole of regression and indulgence. I have been here before and have no desire to go back. So in order to not fall any deeper I am sticking out my arms and legs, catching them on the sides of this hole I am being sucked down, and halting this before I slide any deeper. I am stronger than Fibromyalgia, I am stronger than pain! I am on the cusp of having a very successful and productive life where I make a difference in the world and am not going to allow excuses, bad habits or whoa is me to halt it any longer. I have been sitting here for the last few weeks feeling disorganized, unproductive and lost. Not knowing where to go next, how to proceed.
Well I am laying that down right now and re-claiming the goodness my life is meant to become! But without my participation, my commitment and hard work, it is never going to happen. So instead of buying my own reasoning that worms me out of the routine I need to be productive, I am setting certain parameters for my day that are non-negotiable. A collective list of actions that I need to achieve in order to run my life, be a good wife and puppy-mommy and march this Crusade into existence. I know what they are, I know what is required of me, and I am up for the challenge. It is just going to take a lot more self-discipline than I have been displaying these last few weeks! Finding the balance of motivation and self-forgiveness is a never-ending journey, especially for the chronically ill. The middle ground of compassion and discipline that fosters health and healing with progress and productivity is where I have set my sights. I am not ignoring Fibromyalgia, but I am not going to indulge her either. For Fibromyalgia is something I have, it is not who I am.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
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Leah, I can't believe how you seem to read my mind, I love to read your blog, some I even print out and stick on my fridge to reread. This is one that I will do just that, it feels so empowering!! You have the gift of insight and are truely blessed!
ReplyDeleteGreat post!!! I had been feeling sorry for myself for a new round of medical issues, i.e. need for a knee replacement, low platelets, new headaches. I needed to hear this today. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteFabulous post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it! So encouraging, it makes me want to get my ass in gear :-)
ReplyDeleteI admire the take no prisoners attitude, but I have to say if I suck anything up and ignore any form of pain, I don't get a choice I get bed for months and pain so bad I don't even know my own name literally. I wish it was as simple as sucking it up and taking your life back, unfortunately it isn't. All you can do is achieve on the days you can do things and rest up on the days you can't. Seems there is a bit of 'you are just lazy' that most people have about fibro sufferers attitude rubbing off on you there..The reality is you can't just say I don't have it and rest back your life, it is over simplifying the complexities of the condition. However you need to have a good attitude and make the life you can make. No you should not feel sorry for yourself, no you should not eat that crap, but also don't set yourself up for a fall, because that can often be more devastating than anything else. Learn to accept what you have and manage it in a realistic way. I preferred to see my diagnosis as a wake up call the way I was living my life. It just means I was meant for a different path than the 9-5 life, husband and kids..
ReplyDeleteAnonymous my dear I was talking about me, not you or anyone else. We all deal with this illness differently, and you might be surprised to learn others are doing exactly what you are doing, just in a slightly different way. Bless you in the New Year and thank you for your comment and readership ;)
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Leah
Anonymous from Jan 4,2011 10:47PM,
ReplyDeleteLeah's posts are some of the best I have read, she has helped me tremendously! She speaks from her experiences with this debilitating disease. Fibromyalgia, effects everyone differently, and most of us have many other issues to go along with it! I figure you must have needed a place to vent some of your own frustrations, we all do. Just don't take it personally, try to learn from her post but also the Fibro Fun House. We are a band of people who as soon as you join in on the conversation you imediately feel like family. Wishing you only the best, sending you prayers in hope that it will ease some of your pain.
I feel the same way, Leah. I have been having the same exact thoughts. I want my life back. I just hope I can get it back. My mind wants my life back, but my body won't allow. I have decided I am looking for new treatments and different doctors in the year 2011. I hope you are successful!
ReplyDelete