Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Today Wore Me Out!

Today is one of those days where the second it begins you start running and it quickly spins out of your control. Prepping for the carpet cleaning was a fair amount of work, not awful, but I am convinced they did not use a solution, just hot water. Cheapskate apartments. I had plans to go over to my friends house today while it was drying, anticipating a day of girlie TV watching and toe-nail painting. That wonderful 9-2 window came due at 9:45 and I had just enough done to gather my stuff together from room to room as they guided their mile long hoses up the stairs and through the apartment. I neglected to grab a sweater and upon loading Yorkie, Porkie, the computers, my makeup, my coffee and my raisin bran and yogurt for crying outloud, realized I HATE the jeans I am wearing. I am not quite Lyrica weight, but certainly more than when I left the hospital after the strokes, before Prednisone. Every pair I own that fit have holes in them. But I don't dare walk across my wet carpet without fresh clean socks on, which of course I forgot those as well, so I just have to roll with it. Once I got to my friends house I quickly received a call from my mom inviting us for coffee 'cause she was running errands over near where I live. Then the next thing I know we have plans to meet and go shopping and it is not that I don't appreciate the offer, I just was not prepared for it and found myself getting super stressed out about the whole thing.

Now instead of going along with it I pumped the brakes and turned it back into just coffee. We met up with my mom, chatted and had a nice time. But then we head home and there are the dogs to deal with. Porkie peed on my friends new carpet and it is darn near 4:00 in the afternoon and I am quickly becoming supremely annoyed with anyone and everyone crossing my path. Serious hormonal irritation. Every explanation frivolous and unnecessary, every question inquiring what is wrong like fingernails on a chalkboard. You know, A BAD FREAKIN' MOOD! So it takes me a while to calm myself into not taking everything so darn seriously and relaxing at home. It takes a moment of reflection to remove the emotion from my day and look at it objectively. I am not used to having to consider other people. I don't have children, my husband is pretty flexible and my first priority, I don't have people counting on me at certain times unless it is a doctor appointment or something along those lines. I have a pretty controllable existence, have made it this way as much by choice as necessity, and get irritated when others try to manipulate my time to fit their agenda.

It is so hard, day in and day out, to live a full existence. Every once in a while I find myself attempting it, like today, and each time I'm knocked back down while at the same time I am reminded how far I have come. I don't want to be the daughter that says no, can't get together with mom 'cause I am too busy. But in order to keep my life and therefore illness in balance, I might still have to from time to time. I am at the point in my recovery and management that it takes my daily allotment of energy, creativity, planning and determination to accomplish my bare bones responsibilities. I don't have two to give out at the same time. As the strokes recede farther into the background of my life it is easy to forget, to squander the precious gift of life. But I will not let that happen. So sleep tight my friends, and do what you need to take care of you... Oh it is always so interesting to see what tomorrow will bring.

Thanks for joining,

1 comment:

  1. Hooray for flexible husbands! I don't know what I would have done if my guy hadn't turned out to be so caring and considerate of my illness.