Monday, July 5, 2010

I Don't Want To Be With Me Ahora Mismo

I am mad. I am snippy and critical and paranoid and bitchy. I am constantly nagging my husband, irritated with my family and deluded about myself. I am confused and unsatisfied and restless and snappy. I am experiencing labored breathing, body pain and stiffness and a headache, but mostly mental chaos. I feel directionless and unaccomplished and scattered and just plain unhappy. I feel like everyone thinks they are entitled to a piece of me and I don't want to give any away! I want to hide in the corner with my tail between my legs and lick my wounds and bare my teeth to anyone that comes looking for me, needing me, expecting from me.

This monthly cycle is leveling my playing field once again, and I am getting really damn sick of this! It's like going to the gym twice a month. You never really make any progress, just keep warming up without advancing. That is how I feel about my life. I am working so hard to improve, marching toward the life I want, practicing discipline and re-routing my impulses and parenting my inner-child. I will process so much and then...BAM!...a week and a half of hormonal realignment and it is all undone. I have made so many lists and charts and graphs over the years, plans for the future and how if I just do this or just do that I will be successful and finally become this magical, happy and productive person I feel is lurking right behind the door of worn-in dysfunction. I am seeking to become this perfect housewife and employee and...oh gosh, I can't even begin the nitpicking litany of all that I wish to be, it makes my stomach roll and head pound! It makes me want to go to sleep and never think again of everything that I should be or do.

So all this serves to tell me that I need to calm down! I mentally scan my inventory of substances to dull this menstrual tantrum I am so cocooned in, but I am not getting up to take anything. I am sick of always having to take something! It's almost as though I enjoy sitting here and wallowing in my misery, my pathetic, hormone-reactive misery. I am overwhelmed with the puppies and money problems and work and obligation and expectation and eating bad and too much. I am Downer Debbie, Ebenezer Scrooge and Groundhog Day grouchy. I want to feel light and free. Happy, at peace, flowing with life-force and glowing with excitement. I want to rejoice in all my blessings and appreciate my husband and grow our relationship and grow our life. Yet I find I am stalling out on all of these. It makes me want to make a drink or take a smoke or pop a pill to gain perspective, blessed hazy perspective. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and a vodka-ruby grapefruit cocktail may indeed be just what the doctor ordered, or at very least the only way to exist in harmony with myself right now.

Thanks for joining,

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