Saturday, July 10, 2010

ATM Knock Out

I had the funniest encounter at the ATM the other day. I was in the process of using it and a lady walked up very close to where I was standing so I glanced over at her. She immediately piped up that she was sorry to be standing so close to me but was trying to get out of the sun and stand in the shade, only available on this side of the building from the awning over the ATM. I told her it was fine, just always a good idea to know who was around you and she agreed. I then narrowed my eyes and took a good look at her. She was a petite and slender white blonde female of middle age. I gave her a sideways glance and said, "Anyway, I figured I could take you on if I needed to." She replied that I was younger so most likely could. I then called back as I was walking away, "I have wooden shoes on too, so I was not worried". She said, "Yeah, you could kick those at me!", and we both laughed.

It was nice to have a lighthearted exchange with a random stranger. Finding humor in something trivial and meaningless instead of an angry encounter with every idiot-infuriating-stupid-moron out there, as I used to view the general public. When your chemicals are not right, something as insignificant as pulling out of your driveway can become a major source of irritation if someone is blocking you or in your way or taking too long. When we first moved to San Francisco depression hit me very hard. After the initial frenzy of a new city, new job, new friends and new everything calmed down, I found myself sad, bewildered, unsure, insecure and severely unhappy. Why? I was living in the city of my dreams with the newlywed love of my life and truly enjoying my job for the very first time in my life. Yet I would march down the street, seething anger at everyone I saw, jealous at laughing people out enjoying their lives, families together, friends and lovers. I would get pissed at homeless people asking me for money. I had to get up and go to work every day, why the hell were they off the hook?

After years of therapy I was able to identify my sources of pain and unhappiness. I was able to start parenting my inner-child and setting limits with myself. I now introspectively recall that time in my life as shedding the snake-skin of my youth. I began to separate ugly learned behaviors from qualities that were inherently mine. I emptied out the garbage that had accumulated during the first 2 decades of my life and recognized I was an empty vessel waiting to be filled with opinions, realities and points of view of my own choosing. I was no longer just my parents child, I was my own person! I was a married adult that paid my own bills and lived my own life, and I was ready to claim it and start filling up with all the good things I wanted out of life. I believe this is what got me through the devastating emotional loss of Fibromyalgia. The foundation that I laid down during this phase, the skills I learned and introspection I acquired, gave me the strength and courage to fight with all my might.

Thanks for joining,

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