Thursday, April 8, 2010

Oh Where Oh Where Has My Motivation Gone?

I cannot find any motivation today! I wanted to lay in bed all morning, did not want to take the dog out or get in the shower and really don't want to get ready, go to class or do anything. I have been very productive as of late and this is my usual pattern. Spurts of intense productivity followed by lulls of complacency and laziness. I have been spring cleaning, studying, exercising, sleeping, laundering, laying out, bill paying (the account transition is almost done!) and a slew of other boring but necessary housewifey things. My house has actually managed to stay clean and it feels really good. Foreign, but good! All that and a stomach bug and period cramps through my whole body have kept me really busy this last week. I have not done yoga in a few days and my back is REALLY stiff and sore and once again, I want to lay around and do nothing all day! The urge is so overwhelming. This pattern of behavior is what I will usually fall prey to. It is perhaps my biggest stumbling block in the transition to becoming a productive and contributing member of society from the excuse-laden sickie that I once was.

Easter was a bummer. I got sick. I got my period. I felt yucky. Church was nice but we went to the 2nd mass and the music was contemporary (which I do not like) and the singer chick was awful (Lord please forgive me!). The priest was young and not as inspiring as the married one. The married Catholic priest. Yes folks, you got that right, a Catholic priest is married! He was an Episcopal priest that was already married with children when he converted to Catholicism. He is one of only maybe 20 priests in the world that have special permission from the Pope to be married. His homily's are so rich and applicable. He draws from experiences that other priests are forbidden to know, and his message hits so much closer to home! Sadly Easter Sunday Mass was not even full, yet alone supporting multiple overflow rooms and fire-code breaking crowds in back. Attendance seems to be way down across the board, and I sure hope they start addressing that problem.

We spent the rest of the day watching TV and eating and laying around with me moaning about how bad I feel. But even with all my complaints about feeling crappy and getting irritated that my productivity spurt has ended, I look at the words describing my activity, pain level and point of view that are appearing on this screen and am amazed how far I have come. In the past there was no intense productivity spurts at all. As recently as October of 2009 Sundays consisted of me crying and freaking out because my husband wanted to go enjoy our day off together. I was feeling so awful from working Saturday that the concept of putting makeup on and leaving this house was more than I could possibly bear. Then he would get so sad and disappointed because he has stood by me through so much shit and just wants to enjoy his/our life a little on the 1 day he is not working 14 hours and droning in front of a computer screen. Then I would start feeling really guilty, like I was ruining his life, and freak out again. It's no wonder he is battling depression right now. Yep, this has been hard on both of us. It is amazing that we have made it this far, by the grace of God.

Thanks for joining,

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