Friday, April 9, 2010

Get It Together!

Last night was dissatisfying. I was in NO-productivity mode yesterday and did not get everything (or anything for that matter) done that I was supposed to, or at least usually do. I did lance the wound of the re-building phase of fibromyalgia by pouring that reality out onto my blog. Where hopefully I can leave it. And I had not written in a long time and felt I deserved the break and by the way, once again, had NO motivation yesterday... But my husband comes home and is not very happy with me. There is no dinner, he has had to buy lunch all week, the dog is still dirty and needs a haircut and was not even walked. The dishes are a mile high and I am in an orbit not even close to resembling his. Then he starts on me about going to the gym, and was critical of everything I did, standing over me and squawkin' about how I needed to watch my fingers when I was chopping (I told him if I did that I was likely to cut myself because I was not watching the knife!) and not let the dog out so far on his lead and pretty much everything I was doing was wrong or was eliciting a lecture on how to do it properly. Like I am some complete idiot. But it really got me thinking...

I have a deep and pervasive block when it comes to organizing the menial tasks of my everyday life so I can achieve what I want and do what I dream of. The minusha, the unconscious details that define the underlying current a person possesses. I have always had this block, fibromyalgia just revolutionized and redefined it. Does this relate back to a serious lack of discipline? If so then how do I have a college degree, 9 year marriage born from a solid 11 year relationship, an A in my Spanish class, a 9 year career in my field with an excellent reputation despite many health setbacks and a perfectly behaved dog? Those are core and important categories that I excell and continue to achieve in. I have set my standards high and I usually (always) meet them. But when it comes to doing yoga or putting on my makeup or making the bed every day I simply just don't have the drive. Desire. And once again, motivation.

Can I be thinking about this all wrong? Do I really need to step back and look at this from not only outside, but on top of and orbiting around the box as well? If I flip my thinking and expectations will I be amazed to find how my natural flow finds solid accomplishment? The tasks remain the same. But perhaps it is my expectation of how and when they are accomplished that need adjusting. What is my natural flow? Natural inclination? Let's see... Wake up and lie in bed. Start doing something like reading or blogging or studying to avoid getting out of bed. Really don't want to get in the shower or take a walk. I mean I really do but can't seem to convince myself to actually do it. The problem is that 9 months of the year it is over 100 degrees by 8 o'clock in the morning and that is precisely why I need to be up at 7 and back from my walk by 8. This requires I go to bed at 10 o'clock in the evening. That is another very complex roadblock entirely, for that is when this night-owl's energy kicks in. So then I usually take the dog out after he has pestered me for a good half-hour and we walk around the complex. We come back and I feed him, make coffee and, since I have already been up for a couple hours, feed myself. Then I get on the computer or watch TV. At some point in the day obligation takes over and I usually accomplish something. Some chore, some task, something needing to have been done for some time now. Now how do I meld that disorganized tangle of a lump into streamlined and productive accomplishment achieved by tapping into my natural lean? I guess that, my dear, is the million dollar question.

Thanks for joining,

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