Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Anxiety, Pain, Bi-Polar & ADHD

I feel amazed today. Amazed at how much we have woken up over-night and are changing the charted course. Re-writing the future. Abandoning the script...and picking up another to put in its place. And realizing how stifling the road we were headed down really is and what it would possibly be like to taste the freedom, the sweet nectar of living with passion, dripping down our tongues. Unleashing all this emotion, stirring up these deep and youthful longings and desires has given me...anxiety.

I am bursting out of my skin. The realization that what is now is just not right is almost more than I can take. I am bouncing off the walls, very ADHD, unable to complete a task because there are so many more important ones to start! I can't seem to focus and the anxiety hurts as it courses through my body and out my finger tips, but it's a good kind of hurt. Maybe a necessary one? It's what has been suppressed for so long. But it feels like manic to me... I found out some very interesting information about myself as a child this last weekend. How disturbed I really was. And that my penchant for self-loathing began long before I ever realized it. I knew I was a bruised and battered soul. But I never realized I was always a bruised and battered soul. A child flinging them-self down a staircase or holding their breath until they pass out is absurdly extreme behavior. But behavior that, none the less, explains a lot about the woman that child has become.

So I have finally put the call in to my doctor. My Tramadol use is really high and not doing much to help the pain. Now the anxiety. This half-golf ball in my lower left back has me really screwed up. And the dancing spasming across the top of my back has returned. I am having a hard time sleeping and feel generally wild and bewildered. This sounds like a bona fide Fibromyalgia flare up...with some manic bi-polar thrown in, and a side of ADHD. It's been a while since this has happened...and now I must slow down and focus and get back on track. I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do next...

Thanks for joining,

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