Monday, November 7, 2011

What If

Let's suppose I tell you about something that kinda happened this past weekend. I say kinda because nothing else but me freaking out actually ever happened. On Friday night my husband and I went to Costco to exchange a package of bread. I did not bother to check it last week when I bought it and half of one of the loaves was missing. So we are in the parking lot and he is between aisles, about to cross the main entrance. Well he sees a spot on the other side of the entrance and slowly drives towards it. A car enters the parking lot and is coming right at us. A big ol' honkin' white Cadillac with the lady from the Wendy's "Where's The Beef" advertising campaign driving it. Remember her, the one with the big bun on top of her head? Yeah, well she is careening slowly towards my passenger side. But my husband does nothing. He does not stop, does not even accelerate. I am screaming at him to DRIVE! GO! He slowly keeps scooching into the car heading straight to t-bone us on my side and does NOTHING! I am screaming DRIVE DRIVE at the top of my lungs and not understanding why he is still inching into this accident! Seriously, what is he doing? He has not even honked! He slowly passes and we don't hit because Where's The Beef stops her boat so we can cross.
Oh my dear husband, feel sorry for him, because at this point I have seen my future and am screaming ballistic. Like psycho crazy woman. I am so angry. I trembled and yowled in confused rage as he woke up or came back from wherever he was (wishing he was far away from me I can be sure). But I had seen it, a car accident. A smash of vehicles which if it did not injure me would surely absorb countless hours of my life in complication. I got so mad because I realized how close I walk the edge of  "more than I can take." I witnessed how easily a person's innocent negligence could destroy this carefully knitted and nurtured house of cards I have made for myself. The only life I can stand after being so sick, in so much pain, for so long. I became overwhelmed with the feeling of, "Once she finishes swimming in the depths of one Andy Gump lets just throw her in another!" So no drama, we were lucky this time. But if that didn't show me I better toughen up and do it quick then I don't know what will. Life is a brutal game and I gotta be prepared to take the punches. It just would be so much easier if I knew when and where to expect them.
Thanks for joining,


  1. One Sunday morning recently, a family of four was going to visit their parents/grandparents for Sunday brunch/lunch. They had the extreme misfortune to be sitting at an intersection, waiting for the light to turn, when a 20 year old who had been out drinking all night plowed into the back of their Jeep, which had a fuel tank in the back. The Jeep exploded and the entire family was killed due to this kid's complete and total recklessness.

    I regularly drive through this intersection to go visit my parents. In fact, I was coming back from my parents not a half hour before the accident happened.

    His life is now over as he will be in prison for the rest of it and a Dad, Mom, and two young boys are all dead.

    Life can be stopped in an instant. Even though sometimes I wonder how I can stand it another minute, I'd rather have life with fibro than no life at all.

    You never know when something might happen, but I guess that's the lesson. Live every day as if it was your last, because it's possible that it could be.

    Glad this wasn't one of those days.


  2. As I read your post today it was if I was in your seat and screaming. Suddenly I realized I stopped breathing...waiting for that moment of impact.
    I have been there, more than once with a friend driving. who kept telling me "they'll move, they;ll move. Don't worry."
    I feel so much safer when I drive even though there are still so many idiots out there on the road at least I am behind the wheel and not a passenger so I have some control.
    Living with FIbro has changed my life in oh so many ways...
    ~Gentle hugs~

  3. On 11-11-11 my husband & I will celebrate 10 years married & 21st anniversary of our 1st date. It was a year after being w/him I was diagnosed w/Fibromyalgia. He was a happy-go-lucky upbeat simple kind of man & I was complex w/complaints of odd pains, many Drs appt.'s & quick to anger from frustration w/ the medical system, bills, disibility & not being able to do what I use to even for fun. I felt he balanced me out & it was a good fit but jump to years later he has taken on more of me than me of him. I feel guilty for how much I placed upon him & he absorbed much of the brunt of my anger. I see how unfair I had been & I feel as if I've corrupted him. I long for his smiles & that upbeat nature. I'm changing me & I'm not as impulsive plus I believe that I must put out positivity, rewording even what I say so it's not so negative. I see him slowly coming back. Iwas dismissed by another dr (parasitic/fungal/mold infection?) while tears came down my face on the way home & w/out saying a word he reached over & took my hand holding it as we drove home. He loves me & I'm grateful he stuck by me all these years, it's not been easy & I've added to much of that. May I continue to change for not only my sake but his too & my girls. I'm basically bed-ridden tho ambulatory & would love any suggestions on how to make our anniversary a special day letting him know how much I love him too.

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