I am frustrated. I realized yesterday what I am doing to myself and logically wondered how I could be anything but frustrated under these circumstances. Before I got sick I used to make myself a "to do" list a mile long, and expect to accomplish everything in one day. I never did, and it would roll over into the next and into the next and on it would go. So is life. Well I got sick, broke down, got right back on the horse and have been pushing myself one step further, always, ever since. I will ask myself when I am in the madness, feeling the walls caving in, "Am I doing too much, expecting too much, pushing too hard?" Sometimes I have to stop and reassess because yes, I have pushed myself too hard! My expectations are unrealistic and my body pays a steep price.
But for every time I have pushed myself past the brink there are a dozen times where I have not. That challenge, high expectation I set for myself, is what has propelled me forward in managing the beast, the Fibro beast. But it has also kept me back, because that is the "old" way of doing things that got me so deep into this whole chronic illness mess in the first place. There is only so much demand one mind, body and soul can take. So I am frustrated because things are not jiving. I don't have enough hours in my day. And yesterday when I was complaining about this it hit me like a frying pan to the face out of nowhere. I am doing too much, expecting too much, pushing too hard.
I sit under a blanket of tremendous guilt that I don't work, bring in an income. I watch my husband weary himself to the bone to make ends stretch together. But running a house is work! Cooking is work, cleaning is work. Paying the bills, grooming the dogs, doing the laundry. Work work work! Successfully managing a chronic illness is tons of work. Writing a blog is work, running a support page for Fibro patients is work. Getting a "your not crazy, the world is ignorant" patient-empowered awareness campaign up and going is work. And writing a book is tremendous work! So even though I don't get paid for doing these things, yet, I am working very hard. In the eternal struggle we endure, how to live a productive life in a sick body, I decided to lighten up and think of myself as in "college" right now. I am working my booty down to the bone so one day I can be successful. I just all too frequently forget to remind myself how successful in managing life I already am and that my booty has been worked to the bone before and really just needs to rest. I think today I am playing hookie.
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