I stumbled upon this pearl of wisdom and raised a cynical eyebrow. It spoke to me. Was exactly what I needed to hear at that specific moment in time. Loud and clear it blasted the rubbish in my mind and blew through the fog. See I wasn't doing very well, the frustration and negativity of being sick consuming me. I was just so darn angry all the time. At everyone, everything, nothing specific but all of it in general. I was bitter and sorrowful my life had been wrought with so much illness, scrambling to keep my head above water since before I could remember. I reflected on the normalcy I sacrificed as I watched my friends get promotions and have babies and buy houses while I argued with yet one more hospital collections department to accept my meager monthly payments against an insurmountable bill. I was one unhappy girl and felt slated.
Then the pounding headache and sharp amethyst pain of a flare woke me up the next morning. "Ahhh," I grouchily mumbled to myself, "so this is why you have been so unhappy." Something happens to me when I get Fibro-socked. Something chemical or mental or hormonal, who knows. But I get so grouchy and negative even the Grinch who stole Christmas gets jealous of my attitude. Then I get mad at myself all over again for getting mad at myself the day before when I feverishly searched for a source of my sourness. I spent the whole day blaming me for my despair and bashing my brain against the wall trying to figure out what causes it, how to make it go away and stop it from ever happening again.
But this is just the illness. This nasty and confusing and painful illness I have lived with for over six years. I should know by now there is no magic solution to get me through a flare. There is medication and sleep and time. There is managing it so I don't create erupting volcanoes with every person I hold near and dear in my life. There is isolation, my best friend. A few days later I woke up and was happy again. My body did not throb or feel like it forgot what sleep was. Its easy to move on, get to the next chapter when everything lines up right. The lesson comes in learning how to not go back to the beginning of the book just because the paragraph I am stuck on is stupid, painful, confusing and does not seem to be going anywhere.
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