Tuesday, October 11, 2011

To The One I Love

Dear Healthy person in my life I love very much,

I wish I could erase today. I wish I could push rewind and go back to the beginning. I would not have  been in such a pissy mood, taking my pain out on you when I woke up in the morning. Instead we could have spent it drinking coffee and pouring over the newspaper, giggling and commenting on the offensiveness of the world. I wish I had not yelled and shouted, sending the dog under the bed and the kids to turn up the TV, rolling their eyes at yet one more frustrated tantrum from predictable ol' me. I wish we had gotten ourselves up and out of the house, enjoying a break in the summer heat or some warmth in the winter gloom. We could have gone anywhere! Done anything! But we did not. Because once I got going I could not stop. Everything made me mad. Everything was catastrophic. The world was coming to an end. Or at least I thought so because I was just in so much pain. 

Sadly we did not meander around our little downtown, grabbing a quick bite to eat in the cool evening air and making up stories about the funny people walking by. Assigning them silly issues, complications, relationships, based on what we perceive of them. No we did not go, we sat in the house and every time you tried to help I just got madder and madder. I could not do anything else, no matter how hard I tried, because I am devastated and don't know what to do about it. My life hurts and in trying to deal with this pain nobody understands I am making your life hurt, too. So we did not cozy up with a bowl of popcorn on the family room sofa to watch our favorite TV show and laugh at the stupid commercials. No, I locked myself in my bedroom and you, I don't know what you did. I cried and felt sorry for myself and got mad all over again because I hurt so bad and nobody can help me. 

I feel powerless to stop it, this spiral down to the pit of hell I seem to be on, and the last thing I want to do is take you on this ride with me. Somehow you put up with me. My insecurities, my neuroses, my anger, my pain. I don't quite know how. I believe if I had a choice to not be subjected to me I would run for the hills but for you, oh for you I would lie down and die so I kinda understand why you are still here after everyone else has gone. Hopefully we made up and shared how hard life is for both of us because I have Fibromyalgia and how it has totally screwed everything up. Hopefully we listened to every little old married for 65 years couple and did not go to bed angry. Or maybe we don't even share a bed. But if we did not make up, snuggling and discussing our plans for tomorrow, if I have not said it already, I am sorry. I am just so damn sorry. I am scared and drowning and don't know what to do, how to stop it. I am sorry for the pain I cause you, I am sorry you have to even go through this. But most of all I thank you, most amazing person that you are. All I can do is try and do better tomorrow but please please please know how much I love you.

A Fibromyalgia Patient


  1. beautiful. said so well. so many spouses and loved ones cannot handle it. I went thru 2 husbands one for 15 years and one for 20...just couldn't handle me...and i know that was not easy. thank God i finally have someone who is sticking in there. what a lonely place it would be without our loved ones. bless u and urs:) and thank u for sharing this:)

  2. I feel your pain, literally because i too am a fellow sufferer, ha i say it like were in a club. Well maybe that will make us feel a little special. I am 26 and married to a wonderful young man that is riding this rough road with me. we are both clueless as to why, and how we will make it, but he's stuck by me and i can't imagine life without him and my 3 year old son. Don't feel angry at yourself friend, this is no way is your "our" fault. We are lucky, and blessed to have these great men in our lives that regardless of throwing our fits they stick around, for the good days :)

  3. Wow...this is so spot on. It reminds me what a great guy I'm married to. I've never met anyone else who could roll with the punches like him. I seem to have more days like this than not lately. Thanks for putting it in words.

  4. Thank you for this post. Oh how it struck a nerve with me! This could be my life. This is my life. But I have a wonderful husband of 9 years who came into our marriage not knowing that I had fibro (well neither did I until last year) but he has been by my side through several surgeries, two month recuperation in bed and now this darn fibro. He never wavers in his love for me. But how do I show him how much I appreciate it? Thank you again for this post.

  5. I dont even have the darn diagnosis ... I'm stuck in stupidville where dr still think I'll be better if I just lose weight.
    But hubby doesnt even want to hug me lately because it hurts me and my daughter...I cant do things with her that I want...
    I do get cranky alot...this post makes me feel like I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. THANK YOU!

  6. Thank you Leah! I needed to see this as does my loved one...he came into this knowing ahead of time that I have Fibro. He has been a rock in this stormy sea I have been living in lately. I keep telling him that I just love him so much, and I can't believe he is still here so willingly. God has truly sent me an angel to care for me!