Thursday, October 6, 2011

Raging Bull

Well kids I feel like I am giving you "woman on the verge" blogs these days. I am hoping they are better than nothing. I am experiencing the worst shingles outbreak of my life. It has literally taken over my brain and I feel like a cow with "turning disease". That is when a maggot crawls into a cow's ear and infests in its brain, causing the cow to turn around in eternal circles until it drops dead. The fact that they even have a name for this is odd. But it is no joke, I learned about it in 10th grade biology class. In fact it is probably the only thing I remember from 10th grade biology class. But mine is more "crazy lady disease" and does not involve maggots. So I have barricaded myself in my apartment and medicated the incessant sobbing down to a dull sniffle. I am trying with all my might to not let this flare convince me life is hopeless and there is no point.

I have always been brutally honest and raw in this blog, for what is the purpose if I am not? I am sure it is not hard to find bloggers intent on forced happiness or cheerful attitudes, but I have discovered not many Fibro patients are happy or cheerful all of the time. I have not sugarcoated the hell this journey has been or how frustrated I am with the pathetic response Fibromyalgia patients are met with from the world at large. I have been quite vocal that through heaping amounts of hard work and determination I was able to drastically improve my quality of life. And I am the first one to tell you laughter is without a doubt the best and most sane way to survive this illness.

But today I don't have that hope, that laughter, that song in my heart. No matter I still must keep going because as we all know the show must go on. That is life, that is being an adult, right? Well right now I say phooey! I am angry and mad and feeling very sorry for myself. I get so frustrated with healthy people and their petty problems they think are huge. Or watching them screw up their lives completely of their own accord. I would give my eye teeth to have their health! I get so mad at the person I was and life I lived before I got sick, hating it so I don't have to feel the pain of missing it. Oh happy and healthy where are you? I feel like you are a wayward teenager. You don't come around very often and when you do it is dramatic and rushed. So yes for today it is "Bitter, party of one!" over here. Whatever, I can give it a few days. But it will be interesting to see if I find myself better in a few more, and skipping down the path of hope and happiness once again. I always have every other time before.

Thanks for joining,

1 comment:

  1. Oh Leah, you are definitely not alone in feeling angry and frustrated. I think we are all entitled to, once in awhile, allow our sorrows to overwhelm us. When the weight of the world is bearing down on us, getting into an emotional rut is almost expected. It's how long we allow ourselves to stay in that rut that determines our future happiness. But once in awhile, that rut can be almost...comforting. Keep writing!