Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Gift Of Pain

Blogspot was down yesterday, sorry this is a day late ~

I am part of an elite group. A rare and select few that have been given an incredible gift. The gift of pain. Sometimes it comes earlier in life and sometimes later. Arriving in the form of a blow to the gut or a stab to the heart, each are equally experienced. Either physical or mental, it penetrates, permeates, and snakes vines around the central control of the body, the nervous system. Pretty soon the synapses and neurons and neutrons and neurotransmitters are conforming around the thick ivy of trauma enveloping the base of the brain. The aforementioned occurs naturally in every person, but sometimes a particular person will have a genetic link or specific response or traumatic shock and the ivy of pain and misery takes over, growing up, down and all around. Consuming the control center of the body.

They call this Fibromyalgia. And don’t know why it happens. Or how to fix it. And so we, the patients carrying this diagnosis, are given that gift. Pain. Anguish. Misery. And we have to figure out what to do with it. For ultimately how it affects me is up to me. I have run myself ragged, done backflips to make them happy, stressed and struggled and screamed a thousand times and that has not taken my pain away. I have begged and pleaded and cried and prayed, and still my pain has not gone away. So I got quiet, and looked deep inside. I pulled out tons of junk, baggage, ill will, anger, unforgiveness, frustration and fault. But did my pain go away? I researched and educated myself on blaring truths our modern world is oblivious too. I learned how to sleep and eat and work and play, but only after these things had been taken away from me. I had to learn how to fight and get them back. I learned how to nurture myself, love myself, insist others treat me with dignity and respect. I learned how to love in a whole new way, so much deeper and with a purity that eluded the former me. And still I had pain. So how can I possibly say this is a gift? Pain is a gift?

Because without this pain I would not be the me that is me. I would not be triumphant over misery. I would not be the victor over the simple, so hard fought and won. I would not be the person that sits here writing this, sharing my experience and hoping that you too will find the value deep inside yourself and march the path to wellness and self-acceptance. For every day I learn a little bit more about how to control this pain. What food to eat, what activities to engage in. Who to allow into the inner sanctum of my world. How to engage with the masses, get a solid night sleep, expect what is realistic. So I can say, without a doubt, this pain has saved me from the life that was before. The world of expectation and greed and selfishness and all that is ugly. It forced me to get quiet inside myself, assess what is important and mindfully live each and every day. For if I don’t, the pain will consume me, and take away the gift that is all it has given.

Thanks for joining,


  1. I wish I could get to where you are............I still feel intense hatred for this disease that has taken my life away and taken my husband away, so that I feel as though I have nothing left. I know that there are people worse off than I am, but all I can feel right now is my physical and mental pain, and a complete and disabling fatigue.

    I feel worthless and useless, cause I was always the strong one, the mommy and the wife who could physically do anything. I got this illness late in life......I was in my mid 50's when I got it. My life as a high energy person was already established. Now I just sit and cry for what used to be. I miss my husband so badly........I guess I was codependent. Divorce after a long marriage is hard enough to take, but when it happens mostly because of this illness.......I have no energy to fight it. Its been a year now since the divorce, I should be getting over it, but the mental pain is back with a vengeance. Thank you for letting me post this Leah, writing this has made me feel so much better............

  2. Wow!!! That was written with so much feeling and truth! Beautiful!!

  3. I wish I new how you got to the point where you can live with it all and be happy. what to eat and what to do..I was diagnosed 10 years ago and just get worse.. instead of better. I wonder sometimes if I am just lazy or is it really true that I can only do half hour of house work and feel like I was hit by a truck.. if I go shopping for a few hours or any outing the next day I am even more useless than ever.. do others have these problems as well..or am I just going crazy.

  4. We are not alone in this fight. Sadly there are so many like us. And it is a fight. I got my health back one long and agonizing step at a time. I meshed modern medicine with holistic therapies. I was too sick to leave my house, 20 minutes of activity was all I had in me. It is the worst kind of nightmare. You can't resign yourself to death but don't know how to live. Check out this blog post. It is long but contains a lot of information:

    Also check out our support site on Facebook:

    and awareness campaign:

    Hang tough! This is hard. My prayers are with you.

  5. Thanks Leah.. I figure I would let you know this Anonymous post was me.. I am just starting to follow your blog and visit FB. And I do have a bit of privacy or embarassed issue. I don't know why. I suppose because I don't want people to think I am stupid,crazy or lazy.. so many people don't believe this disease is real.. even I after 10 years am still waiting to wake up and be the person I use to be. It is hard to accept I can't do 1/10 th. of the things I use to.