Shift The Focus And Pick Up The Responsibility

A few weeks back I came to a startling revelation. As I attempt to mop up my life from the mayhem 2 strokes and 6 months on high-dose steroids left in its wake, I was getting so mad that I was not completing all my tasks, tending to my responsibilities. It was really getting out of control, so I set up a weekly to-do chart and made a list of everything I need to get to, from cooking and cleaning to painting my toenails and going to the post office. Then I tried to plug that list into my weekly chart. Nothing ironclad or too controlling, more general blocks of time to complete general categories of tasks. But it did not fit. It was almost comical as I tried to copy, paste and manipulate 75 million things into a realistic snapshot of a week in my life. No wonder I was getting so upset, I could not have completed all that before I was sick! I could not make it work and had to step away, but vowed I was not going to throw up my hands and give up on it, as I have every time before. See I have established a wonderful pattern of behavior that just kinda snuck up on me and became who I am. I expect to accomplish everything, then I don't so I get upset, being upset and overexertion causes a flare and then I am able to accomplish even less! I have been doing this my whole life, just take out the word flare and replace it with stressed out. Its really stupid and actually the definition of insanity. So I have taken a few weeks, chewed the fat and mulled it over. Yes, there is a certain amount of productivity that is required to live. We all have it, there is no getting around it, no matter how bad you hurt or miserable you feel. So I have to make mine fit into the time and energy I have to get it done in. That is just the way it is.

What is really required is shifting my focus and pulling back on my already nearly threadbare list of obligations and responsibilities. Admitting I still cannot do it all, minimizing expectations, both from myself and what others expect, and accepting help. This brings up a whole bathtub full of feelings of worthlessness, letting people down, insecurity and the one that is never late, GUILT! So these too are things I must work on, in the inside, as I attempt to restore order to the outside of my life. I can do this with realistic expectations, allowing adequate Fibro patient-time (FPT) to accomplish each task, acknowledging that I am doing my best and letting what I can't complete roll off my back. C'est la vie. That is just the way it is. I will get to it when time and energy permit.  My 5 pointed star of health is screaming at me to make it center stage in my life. It has been barely balancing on one leg and is high time I put my foot down, or at least the 4 other legs of the star, and commit to what is doable. I know as a Fibromyalgia patient I crave consistency. From my illness, its impact on my life, how it affects and alters all I do. So in my attempt to create an environment that is healing, productive and balanced I will try to share that harmony with you, my readers and friends.

I have already decided to devote the career portion of my life to The Fibromyalgia Crusade. Empowering patients and spreading awareness. I am thrilled it is thriving so, but I have not been treating it like a job, giving it that elusive consistency and regularity and order. Nor have I been treating my home as my pride, my puppies as my joy, my husband as my blessing or my body as my temple. I have been a mess. All over the place. Up and down 30 times a day! Sadly my brain is a little bit more fried than it was, my central nervous system increasingly damaged from that whole ordeal last summer. But I am finding my limits and stopping points and learning how far I can go. What is important and gets all my focus. And what to direct my attention away from. So this I can offer you, my readers. I can realistically commit to blogging 4 days a week, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. And I can commit to progressing The Fibromyalgia Crusade, expanding our reach, creating more tools, offering more awareness items. And I will commit to re-shifting and placing my priorities back on my 5 pointed star. It is critical because chaos and confusion astound me but order and expectancy soothe me. So I have filled in that schedule that was so impossible to figure out before, letting all else fall around that star. My absolute first priority is my health and my best health is achieved with a combination of sleep, exercise, diet, stress management and balanced brain chemicals and hormones. The critical foundation necessary to manage Fibromyalgia, to regain some sort of quality of life. They say you must love yourself first before you can love others. And loving myself is taking care of myself, so I can be the best me I can be, personally, professionally, socially. I know from my own experience that I am as responsible for my health as my doctor, in fact astoundingly more so. So I am ready. I am sick of disorder and mayhem provoking my sensitive brain. I am going to strive for that balance, find that harmony and practice loving myself enough to put me first.

Thanks for joining,

Leah