Blogspot was down yesterday, sorry this is a day late ~
I am part of an elite group. A rare and select few that have been given an incredible gift. The gift of pain. Sometimes it comes earlier in life and sometimes later. Arriving in the form of a blow to the gut or a stab to the heart, each are equally experienced. Either physical or mental, it penetrates, permeates, and snakes vines around the central control of the body, the nervous system. Pretty soon the synapses and neurons and neutrons and neurotransmitters are conforming around the thick ivy of trauma enveloping the base of the brain. The aforementioned occurs naturally in every person, but sometimes a particular person will have a genetic link or specific response or traumatic shock and the ivy of pain and misery takes over, growing up, down and all around. Consuming the control center of the body.
They call this Fibromyalgia. And don’t know why it happens. Or how to fix it. And so we, the patients carrying this diagnosis, are given that gift. Pain. Anguish. Misery. And we have to figure out what to do with it. For ultimately how it affects me is up to me. I have run myself ragged, done backflips to make them happy, stressed and struggled and screamed a thousand times and that has not taken my pain away. I have begged and pleaded and cried and prayed, and still my pain has not gone away. So I got quiet, and looked deep inside. I pulled out tons of junk, baggage, ill will, anger, unforgiveness, frustration and fault. But did my pain go away? I researched and educated myself on blaring truths our modern world is oblivious too. I learned how to sleep and eat and work and play, but only after these things had been taken away from me. I had to learn how to fight and get them back. I learned how to nurture myself, love myself, insist others treat me with dignity and respect. I learned how to love in a whole new way, so much deeper and with a purity that eluded the former me. And still I had pain. So how can I possibly say this is a gift? Pain is a gift?
Because without this pain I would not be the me that is me. I would not be triumphant over misery. I would not be the victor over the simple, so hard fought and won. I would not be the person that sits here writing this, sharing my experience and hoping that you too will find the value deep inside yourself and march the path to wellness and self-acceptance. For every day I learn a little bit more about how to control this pain. What food to eat, what activities to engage in. Who to allow into the inner sanctum of my world. How to engage with the masses, get a solid night sleep, expect what is realistic. So I can say, without a doubt, this pain has saved me from the life that was before. The world of expectation and greed and selfishness and all that is ugly. It forced me to get quiet inside myself, assess what is important and mindfully live each and every day. For if I don’t, the pain will consume me, and take away the gift that is all it has given.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
