Thursday, November 4, 2010

Today Is A Rough One

Our best friends from when we lived in San Francisco are getting married this weekend. They are the one couple in our 10 years together where we ALL ACTUALLY REALLY LIKED EACH OTHER! This is quite hard to find. Not me tolerating some bimbo my husbands friend is dating, or he putting up with a nice guy he has nothing in common with my friend is married to. We all genuinely got along, hung out like three times a week and went on vacations together. They are awesome, Godparents to the Yorkie and parents of a wild Boston Terrier the Yorkie is best friends with, grew up with. We moved first and parting ways was hard on all of us. But shortly after we moved to Arizona they moved to Florida and that is where the wedding is taking place. And we are not going. Oh we had every intention but after my two strokes in July, my husband having to use up all his vacation to take paid time off to be with me and then my "retirement" from my job there is just no way we could swing it. Unfortunately paying rent was more important. Man it sucks being an adult sometimes!

They are the nicest people in the world and completely understand. I told them when I get my book deal we are taking them on a vacation and she promised to come visit me in her wedding dress. So I called the bride this morning while I was walking the pups to wish her a happy birthday (tomorrow) and wonderful wedding (Saturday). I wanted to touch base, just leave her a message that we are thinking of them and there in spirit before everyone piles into town and the hailstorm begins...and I started sobbing like a baby! I choked my way through the message and when I hung up it hit...and not just crying and teary-eyed, but big gasping blithering sobs with fat tears rolling down my face, wracking my body as I strolled through a perfectly pleasant residential community just beginning to stir for the morning. I sure hope no one was looking out their front window! Some crazy lady walking a Yorkie and a Porkie sobbing like half the world had just come to an end, for goodness sakes! I calmed down a bit, then when my mom called a little later started up again! I guess you can say I am a raw emotional nerve today and this is the cord that struck it...

My dear friend Fibromyalgia is coming back. We took a bit of a Prednisone "break" for a few months and that was its own kind of hell but I did enjoy the absence of pain, oh I sure did! I am slowly lowering my dose as my safe "no stroke" zone approaches and today was the first day the pain hit me hard. My S.I. Joint feels like there is a fireball in my left butt cheek that is radiating pulsing throbbing flaming licks up my back and down my leg right on beat with each heartbeat. It is all I can think about. Everything I do, every thought I have is secondary to the pain. Oh I know you all know so well. Its not like I had forgotten, exactly, but the brain does a wonderful thing to painful memories and minimizes their impact. Otherwise no woman would ever have a second child! I am tempted to curl up into a ball and feel sorry for myself, indulge in truffles and bicker fight with everyone I come into contact with. But this is life, this is real, this is for the long-haul. As we all know so well Fibromyalgia is NOT something that is just going to go away. So I resist the impulse to completely blow off my responsibilities and plot ahead. I am trying to be nice and not snap at my husband, yell at the puppies or throw my computer across the room. Its not the computers fault I am Abacus girl! I am faithfully working to further The Fibromyalgia Crusade and am even going to groom the dogs. I have to. I cannot succumb to the miserable bitter person Fibromyalgia wants to turn me into. I must keep my head, my humor, my focus on the cause. I did eat all of the truffles though.

Thanks for joining,


  1. dearest Leah,
    i just happened upon u'r blog a moment ago.
    i am all over the place, reg:...ALL these horrible diseases people are dealing w/now.
    mine first diag was,many 'titles'
    ME-CFS ??
    what a sweetheart u are, what a big heart !
    my name is marie, & i have been sick 25yrs+
    & very sick rt short & sweet...
    just wanted to leave u a comment...reg u'r beautiful writing.
    In & W.... Blessing's

  2. PS; " i'm soooo sorry u had a rough day :( "
    angelonduty xx

  3. Ack! I understand this all too well. I think getting accustomed to hurting or not hurting is some sort of coping mechanism. As in believing maybe the pain isn't so bad, until you start to hurt less and you realize what hell you'd been in. And of course the opposite. And prednisone makes the changes that much more glaring. When I come off a course of prednisone, I am pretty much inconsolable for a few days.

    Sorry you have to adjust to a new normal, again.

    P.S. I'd like to add you to the links list on my blog, if that's ok.

  4. Laura Lei Jones BrownNovember 5, 2010 at 2:36 AM

    You have had a brief respite with the prednisone, long enough for you to get used to it, you have been so busy doing this and that...all these things to do. Now the monster is back and you are once again grieving the loss of your former self...we all grieve just sometimes it really hits hard and you were dealt a cruel blow by giving you just a taste of normal again...prayers and best wishes Leah, focus on the crusade keep your mind busy and away from the what ifs...

  5. So sorry for your pain. I am so, so thankful that my fibro is not as severe as most. When I do hurt, I HURT. But it's not an everyday issue. I pray for God to give you respite from that everyday pain. To allow your mind to be at peace from it as well. God Bless you and thank you for your wonderful posts. So encouraging, so real.

  6. How fortunate can I be to not have to suffer with the same animal being FBS as you do. I do however suffer a miriad of numerous other conditions that bring that daily fight that begins before your feet the floor as gently as possible. I have had 5 failed back surgeries, each one only causing more pain. Somewhere between my fusion surgery and my regiment of Epidural Spinal Injections, I gave up. The implant of a spinal cord stimulator gave me back some hope that I could continue life with some sort of normalcy. It did in fact do just that until I was informed that there was nothing more they could do for me and placed me on opiod therapy which Iam destined for the rest of what I still try to refer to as life. However, life was not yet finished with me and dealt me another blow with the diagnosis of Lymphedema. An incurable disease which somewhere in your body prohibits the natural flow of lymphatic fluid through your lymph nodes to be cleaned and run back through your body refreshing necessary cleansing fluids as your liver does for your blood. The blockage creates serious swelling (edema) in what ever part of your soul it decides to rest. Mine happens to be in the calf's of both legs causing my calves to match the size of my thighs. Predators such as cellulitis and leaving you terrified at the thought of even a misquito biting you as you become prisoner to infection with just a pin prick.

    Iam in no way demeaning FBS stricken lives as I know more than one. I thank the powers that be on a daily basis that I have not become a prisoner of such relentless pain. There are obviously many forms of chronic pain and FBS has to top the list.

    The thought that your life long friendships are so far apart actually brought a tear to my eye as you cannot attend the wedding you so obviouisly desire. But your friendships will last even without your presence as you will be there with all of your heart and soul. Friendships like the one you talk about are so rare and some times Iam sure difficult to hold on to, yet worth fighting tooth and nail to hold on to. You all must have huge hearts and deep understanding of one another. When I pictured you walking down a quiet street with tears streaming like huge raindrops I could only imagine your feelings.

    The most fortunate things that you have in your life, being your husband, your valued friendships, your puppies and your wonderful blog must at times seem trivial to you.

    But yet you continue to fight through the forgetfulness of what you have that is positive in your life. I admire your curouge, your strength and your dedication to not letting this monster of yours control your life.

    I apologize for the length of this and sometimes consider my own blog so I do not fill people's comments area so full.

    Ill sign this with admiration, astonishment, and many thoughts and prayers for you.

    Vern Metcalf Jr

    Ps. Iam in the process of changing my website into a site dealing with Failed Back Surgery Syndrome so it is a disaster right now.

  7. Thank you all of you for your heartfelt support! My life has taken on a whole new meaning since August 11 when I opened up this blog and started making new friends, a whole new life!

    Thank you a million times over! And yes, klbrowser, you are more than welcome to link my blog!