Lilac Bushes and Mulberry Trees

Today I step down 5 more milligrams off Prednisone. I am actually beginning to feel human again, and am becoming aware of how deeply exhausted I truly feel from the strokes and drugs and manic and the whole ordeal that took place oh so many months ago. The steroids did a great job of masking that core fatigue and propelled me into a super-productive mode that I have not seen or felt in years! On one hand it was great… I was ON, I was EN FUEGO! Fibromyalgia took leave for a while and I experienced what it was like to be pain-free again, with energy and pep and vigor! If it had not pushed me so far over the edge of normal it would have been like experiencing life pre-Fibromyalgia. But it was too much, so extreme. I was way too pumped up, hyper, racing around in speed-freak ADD mode, starting everything and accomplishing nothing. The tremor shakes were just shy of scary and I had to medicate myself down or I would get frantic headaches and start to stress about more strokes… I existed in this strange land of drugged up to drug down, an odd push and pull on my being that felt so incredibly wrong, horribly unnatural.

I have utilized plenty of prescription drugs through my CFS/Fibromyalgia journey and other health trials as well. I have also educated myself to the reality of relying on these drugs as a lifestyle and the long-term ramifications on the body. I have had good and bad experiences on a variety of medications for a variety of ailments. Through all this I have come to believe strongly in a more natural and holistic approach to health care, utilizing supplements and nutrition and exercise and stress management to mitigate illness. Getting in tune with the core issues that trouble the soul, releasing anger and embracing forgiveness.  Learning to live in faith, not fear. It is never easy to stay on the path of positivity, so easy to get sucked into the negative, the dread and misery of pain, despair and frustration. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other, tapping into that deeply stubborn Scottish-German genetic programming that has pulled me out of many pits of darkness. By refusing to give up, accept that my reality now was not going to be my reality always, I have managed to survive and at times even thrive!

But each “health crisis”, be it Pancreatitis or strokes or Fibromyalgia, comes with it a huge phase of recovery. After the 7^th or 8^th time one just gets darn sick and tired of the “rebuilding” process! The post-trauma recovery time is painfully slow and the learning curve huge. Re-learning how to pace my activity, listen to my body, accept the new limitations, oh it is enough to make one crazy! So here I sit once again, my false sense of energy and productivity winding down and a deep exhaustion rising up. I have given up a lot for my health and nothing, not even Fibromyalgia, has taken from me what the strokes did. But I have given it willingly. I narrowly escaped death or severe disability and as a result of walking away from that experience blessedly intact, have joyfully surrendered. So yes, I quit my job, the stress factor itself proving superficial and unnecessary. I have put my plans to pursue learning Spanish and starting a Masters program on hold. I had to get back to basics, the simple, the doable. And in releasing my control over my life I have been blessed with a golden path materializing before me lined with Lilac trees and Mulberry bushes, with sparkling and mesmerizing Amethyst gemstones leading me like a breadcrumb trail toward a great purpose, a true calling. I may not be skating down that path at top speed anymore, but I am still truckin’, still moving forward, just taking more time. Time to stop and smell the flowers and marvel at the beauty of life in all of its complexities that lies before me.

Thanks for joining,

Leah