Tuesday, November 16, 2010

That Giant Leap Of Faith

Yesterday was a bit of a rough one. It started out well enough. I woke up ready to hit Monday morning hard...new week, new motivation, new level of pain and fatigue. I was pumped up and ready to overcome whatever obstacle was thrown in my path. So I took care of my daily health and office obligations and then focused myself on writing the business plan for The Fibromyalgia Crusade that has been hanging over my head. The more I dug in the more tired and discouraged I became. Not that I am not capable...but lets be honest here folks, my true skill does not lie in the back office. I am the talent, the cheerleader, the sales girl. I can write and encourage and dissect reality from a situation and phrase it in a way that brings comfort to others. I can dream and conceive ideas and concepts and package them in a clear and concise way people can understand and gain benefit from. But if you want me to sit down and write a 35 page business plan its gonna take weeks! Months! Way too long... Not giving up so much as setting it aside, I stepped out to go run a few of the errands on my long list of things to take care of. I had received a notice from a national bank that if I came in and opened a new account with them at a specific branch they would give me $125. Thinking this would be a good place to open The Fibromyalgia Crusade's account I went in all ready to breathe life into the next phase of making this real. The sweet girl in new accounts informed me it was only good for a personal account, not a business account. Even after I pointed out it explicitly said the offer was for a personal or business account, her manager was not interested in my business because the fine print on the back of the notice stated personal accounts only. Very misleading. So I left even more discouraged...

My husband came home from a long and exhaustive day at work to find a very overwhelmed wife. He is putting in between 12-14 hours a day just so we can meet our basic bills since I have stopped working. He is pursuing his acting on the side and still trying to make it to the gym, have some semblance of a marriage and help me with The Crusade. His plate is very full! Well today his reality reached its fulcrum. I called in with my morning "I am awake and alive" call (new rule post-strokes) and could tell from the pinched tone in his voice he was not okay. He took a break and called me back and broke it down. He cannot keep up at this pace. He has reached his max and is burnt out and can't keep doing the overtime anymore. He desperately wants to help me get The Crusade off the ground and knows how bad I need his help, yet has nothing to give me. So we decided it was time. Time to live in faith, not fear, and take the leap. Time to cut off the flowing river of overtime cash that keeps us at that blessed number 0 each month and invest in our own opportunity. Time to let go and let God.

When I came home from the hospital in August I was so overwhelmed with the reality of my life. 4 bouts of Pancreatitis, a debilitating virus in the form of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, permanent central nervous system damage called Fibromyalgia and now 2 strokes, and all before age 34! My head was spinning around on top of my body and I could not make heads or tails of the situation. I knew I was lucky, very lucky to be alive and knew I had to release control of my life. I was doing a terrible job of managing it and was finally willing to give it to God. I did not want it anymore, feared for my very existence if I insisted on keeping up with the illusion of control. My mediation became my prayer "I submit to Your will, use me for Your glory" chanted round and round my rosary beads. It was my calm, my comfort, my strength. It was the only thing that got me through the madness of high-dose Prednisone and the uncertainty of my life. And beautiful things started happening... People started reading my blog, using my Facebook page as a place to gain support and a bit of laughter from fellow sufferers. The concept of The Fibromyalgia Crusade , a patient-united awareness campaign designed to improve the quality of the life we live formed in my brain. And each baby step I took toward actualizing this was met with success and more opportunity. But at some point we are asked to put ourselves out on a limb, with no safety net to catch us, and believe we will jump onto the next branch with absolute success. That is where we are folks, ready to sink or swim, ready to take this to the next level and live in the faith necessary to receive the next blessing only our lack of faith is holding us back from.

Thanks for joining,

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