Sunday, March 28, 2010

New Week, New Me

I have some major goals to focus on. Some major areas of my life need discipline and attention and accomplishment. I absolutely must exercise daily and must get to bed earlier. I am all ready to make up an Excel checklist with the minimum points I should hit every day. Stop making excuses or being lazy! I feel so much better when I do a few certain things, things that are non-negotiable when I have to go to work or school yet seem to elude me when I don't. Maybe its the thought of putting makeup on to go nowhere, but I think its really much deeper than that. I still exist with a constant need for indulgence and rest. If I have no commitment to the outside world then I don't keep the commitments I have made to myself. It is pathetic, given where I am and how far I have come. When I was on my way down the rabbit hole of health it was one thing, but now that I am darn near done climbing my way out of the top of that hole it is something else entirely.

I have this fantasy image of myself as someone that is overwhelmingly happy, leaping out of bed in the morning to gleefully lather myself to cleanliness in the shower, and then enthusiastically racing out the door to go discover the day with my dog. Upon our breathless and rejuvenated return I bound happily on the trampoline to the first half of Chelsea Lately, whereupon I pliably practice Namaste Yoga for 20 minutes, stretching every kink and knot and radiating source of pain out of my body. At this point I fill my tummy with toasty oatmeal, nutrient rich juice and lots o' vitamins! Then I take the time to beautify myself and blow, primp, paint, powder and press myself into attractiveness. And now it is only 10 o'clock in the morning. The rest of the day exists in a series of rotating housewife accomplishments. Blogging, bill paying, homework and studying. Clothes washing, dinner prepping, errand running and dish doing. Taking the time to sun myself, procure my mani/pedi, keep my hair trimmed, roots blonde and my closet full. Keeping up the appearance of success and productivity.

Whatever I may do, there is no sitting on the sofa all day. No seasons past of Friday Night Lights streaming from Neflix to my blu-ray player. No eating between meals or skipping lunch entirely. There is just steady, pleasant progress marching me toward a day of satisfying accomplishment. There is no lying in bed until noon studying Spanish, ignoring my "most important meal of the day" until I am headached and faint. There is no begrudgingly brisk walk around the complex so the poor dog can call to nature. Oh you get my life is steady and my dreams. As I write this I feel such a draw toward my dream life and repulsion to my real one, and it all goes back to discipline. Motivation waxes and wanes but it is in the art of following self-discipline that the deepest dreams are accomplished.

I feel I am holding myself back with my own laziness. I am scattered and disorganized and unfocused and quite simply, going somewhere very slowly. I strive to march there quickly with purpose and determination. But what happens when I set that alarm for 7:30 every morning, and clean this house until it is organized and gleaming. And the bills are up to date and the dog is groomed...I start to derail. I start to feel an intense need to indulge myself. To eat and smoke. To watch movies and television and rummage in the fridge. To obsessively edit my blogs all day, drooling on myself as I sit slumped over the computer. The rebel in me comes rearing her round cherub-head and kicks me off the path of productivity and pulls me onto one of excess. Once she comes out, she usually wreaks quite a bit of havoc until she is satiated. So off the "good" train I go until another stirring of dissatisfaction rises in me a commitment to discipline. This is the pattern of my life. Doing just enough to get by. Wow, that awareness just formulated itself in my head for the first time, and it is truly and deeply resonating. So now the question remains, will I continue to come up with excuses for my laziness, reasons as to why it is reasonable to flounder through life? Or will I come up with 1 consistent reason to avoid the excuses and push past this phase of oppressive habit? I need a goal that overrides how I "feel" on any given day, that gets me up from the couch or off the computer and makes me accomplish something tangible. Something real. Only time will tell...

Thanks for joining,

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