Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Unhappily Ever After

I just spent the last 2 hours trying to get my laptop on the internet and all I had to do was turn it on after I turned on the desktop with the router. Oh that was really flippin' annoying! Now I have totally lost my flow and focus and I was actually doing a bit better this morning...

I figure if I make a few good choices, steps in the right direction each day, then that is all I can expect from myself. Rome was not built in a day, right? I took the dog out right after I made my coffee and put a load of laundry in. I ate breakfast before my head was dizzy and my mouth was watering, and then the damn computer sucked up the rest of my morning and totally threw me off my game. I have a test in Spanish manana and a dentist appointment this afternoon. I have a slew of bills to pay and it is very confusing switching to the new bank with being so close to broke anyway. I am also dealing with new car & renters insurance that is serving to be another thorn in my side.

Last night while I was falling asleep I allowed my mind to wander. I imagined the life I am believing will make me happy, the one that we are working so hard to achieve. It was a life of surface, fluff and bubble-gum. However, my mind could not grasp that life with my husband. There is so much unhappiness and sacrifice and a huge block of emotion that has already scarred our union and I could not get past that. This was an existence that was not battle weary, full of pain and bruised and beaten for the wear. So I guess this was my life sin my husband, more like if I had a different life entirely. I was married to an older man who was divorced or widowed. He had teenage that kids I was helping to raise (even in my fantasy I still can't get into that childbirth thing!). We had money and nice things and health and looked good. We went to nice places and had normal problems like he works too much and the kids are rebelling. We had a life, a system that worked for us. But deep down inside it was hollow. It was empty. It was fake and shallow and unfulfilling. It was devoid of passion or enraptured meaning. It was an exercise of walking through the motions, doing what should, or looked good. A facade of appearances. But it contained all that I beat myself up on a daily basis for not doing.

And I realized how much I love my husband. That you could take all the money or things or achievements away and that would still not tear me away from him. He is my life-force. But I worry he is fading. I worry he is becoming such an angry and bitter and unhappy person that he is going to make himself very sick or alter his ability to be happy forever. I fear that what I have forced him to go through has broken his spirit and he will forever exist as a shadow of what he once wanted to become. I fear for our future and our life together because he no longer believes in it. This is a painful truth. I want to help him, but like when I was in the depths of despair over Fibromyalgia, this is his personal journey. He has to come to terms with the reality of his life and stop getting so mad about it. He has to see the light at the end of the tunnel and start marching toward it. Or is that what we will never become? Will we forever exist in pathetic unfulfillment or will we rise up past this [very big] challenge and be all that we can be?

Thanks for joining,

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