Sunday, November 8, 2015

Day 8: Blessed Balance

I follow a lot of inspirational people on Instagram. Tons of workout chicks-- for motivation and ideas, a handful of adorable dogs, some awesome travel profiles, and lots of juicing/clean eaters. A slew of memes grace my cell-phone screen with challenging, encouraging, or just plain thought-provoking directives to get over myself and do better. Usually they work. Life is, after all, a decision, right?

Sometimes, but not today. I've been home from work sick for two days, and this time can't blame it on a flu or "healthy person" sickness. Nope. This is good ol' fashioned fibro, and it's ripping my body apart. I haven't had a flare of this magnitude in a long while and it's terrifying me. More so because of the past than my inability to tolerate monumental levels of pain and weakness. No, I'm so worried because this is how the downward spiral starts. And it ends with me puddled in a mass on the floor with no job, no ability to exercise or juice to beat my illness back into submission, and no mental capability to proceed because I've been destroyed so many times that rebuilding is never a guarantee. Yup, I've been here too many times to not know what's coming next.

So as I'm strolling through my Instagram feed, and some rock-hard fit-chick's meme tells me that only exercising on the days I feel good won't net me fitness-model results, I wanna fling my phone across the room. I want to scream at these people that for their privileged asses, life is a decision to put the doughnut down and get up off the couch and pump iron. But for the chronically ill, it isn't. No, we MUST pay attention to the days we don't feel good, least we push ourselves into a flare that doesn't end for the next five years. We must respect the balance that life has thrust upon us-- not a balance we asked for, can easily find, or enjoy limiting ourselves to. But a balance that allows us to survive still the same.

Thanks for joining,
Leah       

5 comments:

  1. Leah,
    I follow you, have been for a couple of years now. Recently I've wished I had your phone number so I could call you or set off some alarm "danger danger danger". This is the most optimistic post I've seen. Just that you are admitting that you have to find a balance.
    I hope this doesn't end as you've described. I know that taking personal responsibility is important for you, so take responsibility for being healthy. And you know just how to do it. And give yourself a break, there is a ball and chain that's been put upon you. You've lived with it in an exemplary manner, but you can just keep dragging that around, no one can.
    I hate it when people, who have great health insurance and are gainfully employed tell me "nothing is more important than your health". I don't have the finances to be sick. But I am sick. Finally I just had to stop. Nothing new, you've heard this story a thousand times. It's been 6 years, I go through periods of great acceptance and times that I want to end the misery. I've worked so hard to get my mind in order and I refuse to be around people who do not further my goal.
    I'm optimistic because you seem to accept that you have to go back to the life you were leading, when juicing, exercise, and all the other things you did to get yourself healthy again. I hope that your body will have the memory and bounce back as soon as you start living like you were, your body will remember how it's supposed to behave.
    I admire your desire to stay positive, and right now positive action means healing yourself and what that means for you, not some body builder, model body who just didn't have this horrible disease cross her path. None of us asked for this, but it is what we have and we have to live according.
    You've done just that for years. I am on your side, rooting for you out here in cyberspace.
    If my post are not helpful, please let me know. You can FB me at Lorraine Calvert, send me a PM and I'll continue to follow you , but I will not comment.

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  2. I am sorry it has been a rough few days. I am praying for you. I know you will get through this. If it helps, please know that some of your posts have literally kept me from acting suicidal. This illness is so hard to manage. You really do help others with your honest posts.

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  3. It's almost like we forget the flares, life's good and I know my boundaries, then BOOM on our asses in the middle of a flare and terrified! I get so dissapointed with myself, how could I let this happen?? but that's the flares sick joke on us. . . Soft hugs

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