Last night when I came home from work I desperately needed to blog and juice. Considering I was far more woman-on-the-verge than capable of being productive, I elected to drink a few beers and watch TV. Turns out allowing myself to let my hair down was the best thing I could have done for me, but I didn't have much of a choice. There reaches a point where living in the immediacy of my misery is so unbearable I just can't do it anymore, and I was there. It wasn't all that surprising seeing as I've worked far more than normal this week, and my health is reeling from the consequences.
It's taken me a long while to recognize the time healthy people spend cultivating friendships, cleaning their house, traveling, or pursuing hobbies, I spend being sick. It is my down-time, free-time, and me-time all rolled up into one. The rest of my life is either spent working or managing my health. Before I went back to work I had a bit of a grasp on a few of life's details, but in eight short months seem to have slipped right back into survival mode. Perhaps what's most frustrating is there simply is no way to communicate this reality to the outside world. They usually don't care, and even if they do, can't do anything about it. It makes endlessly bitching about how horrible it is to be sick so unbelievably pointless.
So what to do? Living in this paradoxical state, where I pretend like everything's fine when it clearly isn't, leaves me raw, emotional and oversensitive. I'm weepy, weak, and oh so bitter. It's taking everything I have to remember what's now won't always be. That growth is painful, but I'm learning a lot about myself in the process of rediscovering how to fit into life. Rising from the ashes is scary and overwhelming, but it doesn't mean I'm going to give up. Not only am I learning what I can and cannot do, I'm becoming more and more certain of who I refuse to become.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
Leah:
ReplyDeleteI know you have to work, but have you given any consideration to getting a job where you're not on your feet all day. One which doesn't require you to work with clients who seem so obnoxious? I know you have a lot of experience in cosmetic sales and perhaps your skills are limited in other areas, but you can type obviously, you've set up your own blog and built a community on FB. You may not realize how valuable your skills are. Perhaps you can do simple web design for those just beginning their small businesses?
I really think you are amazing. That you stand on your feet in heels and put up with what you do day in and day out is something I couldn't do. Physically, just not possible. But you know this is not taking you in the right direction. Just some food for thought.
You may have given changing jobs a lot of thought and could be thinking, "genius, like I've never thought of that before!". I just thought I'd throw it out there.
I have a lot of admiration for your struggle and I wish you nothing but good things. I hope you can find a better place to find them.
Best,
Lorraine