Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A Little Box Of Anger

I was standing in my bathroom yesterday, putting lotion on and thinking about the last time I was hospitalized for Pancreatitis. It was in 2007 when I was still living in San Francisco. I had gone back to work only a month before, after 7 months on disability. But working was too much for me. I was in severe pain and living on Percocet, completely panicked and freaking out about my reality. My pancreas said, "BOO" and stuck me in the hospital for six horrible miserable pain filled days. Unfortunately I had awful communication barriers with my foreign doctor and she communicated to everyone on hospital staff I was a junkie. The pain medication she prescribed allotted me little relief from the acute agony of my pancreas digesting itself. I cried most of the time I was in there from epic amounts of pain and confusion, for I had no idea why I was being treated so poorly. This was my fourth attack, but my first with Fibromyalgia. I can only imagine that is what hell is like.

So standing in my bathroom four years later I remember this, and got so pissed at that doctor! I became enraged at her malicious untruths that a Fibromyalgia patient trying to work retail to feed themselves was a junkie. And then I remembered what holding on to this kind of stuff does to me. It makes me grouchy and bitchy and miserable. Eventually, if I make it important enough, it will give me a flare and make me quite sick. Deciding I was not in the mood for another ride around the circular file of madness I remembered my choice. The two thoughts conflicted in my brain as they danced around the boxing ring glaring at each other, wondering who would win. With incredible purpose I grabbed that little box of anger floating out in front of me. I acknowledged I already moved past the phase in my life where doing anything about this was long over. It took everything I had but I took that anger, saying a little prayer of hope that doctor is still not treating Fibro patients like junkies, and released it. It flew away in a flutter and I had my day back. 

Thanks for joining,


  1. Leah--that's an awesome story and one I can relate too as well. Each day, or many times throughout a day we have the opportunity to make a choice. This is one exercise I do everyday, exercise my ability to choose how I am going to live with fibromyalgia and many of its symptoms. Thank you for sharing this story. It makes me feel a little bit normal because I was only diagnosed with fibro and chronic fatigue 5 months ago. So learning each day.
    Be well...

  2. Thank you for this. As happens, I had my own bout of anger this morning to deal with. Until I read your words of wisdom. So I meditated and when I found that anger, I boxed it up and crushed it between my hands and sent the dust heavenward. I feel lighter for it. *smiles and sends lilac hugs*

  3. Hey Leah, I would sit down and write him a letter and let go on him , its butt heads like that doctor that gives us fibroers a bad name , most of them doctor needs to go bad to tending goats and camels, cause they sure r not doin their job, by their patients, ive had some i cant understand a word they r sayin the only words they understand is money and insurance, just sayin .........

  4. Thank you, Leah. Yesterday, I kept looking at the link to this particular article and didn't click on it. Today, after I finished reading it, I seriously considered blaming fate for making me click that link today, because today was definitely the day I needed to read it. I'm dealing with a person in my life who I have let down a few times because I'm too sick to keep my scheduled appointments. I already have made myself feel horribly guilty for being so unreliable, but then on top of that he is fairly obviously trying to make me feel bad. I know it's a different situation, but the way we've both reacted to stressful events in the past is the same. It spins round and round in my mind until eventually it pulls my body into a black hole of pain. I was diagnosed with fibro 4 years ago and I am still learning how to compartmentalize all those negative feelings before they drag me down. Thanks for letting me know it's possible. Today, it's possible for me to just let this go.