Friday, April 22, 2011

Is This Acceptance Or Acquiescence?

This morning we took our very pampered pooches on a 15 minuet walk to the coffee shop. Then we took them on an 82 degree walk back home. Yorkie was taking extended pee brakes in the shade, keeping his leg up long after he had finished so he could prolong feeling the cool grass out of the sun.  He is such a Northern California dog. Porkie is still a bucking-bronco-gazelle. Luckily my husband was walking her and spent the duration of both legs of our journey trying to tame our wild little monkey from bi-pedding it on her back paws. I also had little girl Yorkie #2 we are babysitting for a week. We will call her Yorkette. She is so cute. The doe-iest personality walking around in a chubby little body. So friendly and sweet. Truckin' beside us and trying to fit into our pack as best she can. She did not know quite what to do with all the new sights and sounds and smells but is a very good girl and pretty much just followed Yorkie's lead. We walk in the front door and the house goes off like a siren in front of me. It looks like a bomb went off! Stuff everywhere, days of dishes stacked up. Piles of clean laundry and dirty laundry dotting the landscape of my living room. Bags of dog grooming supplies here. Tools to file your nails there. Dog toys everywhere! Shoes and gym bags and...well you get the point. And as I walked through my apartment I had a moment of clarity. How do I let my house, my life, get like this?

For no matter how I try to coax perfection out of myself I just spent the last 2 days in my pajamas watching TV and being g-r-o-u-c-h-y! Allowing all of this to pile up around me. This is the result. This is what "out of the flare" me looks around and sees. And it takes darn near all my energy to get it cleaned-up and looking decent again. It is a very frustrating cycle. I have learned, in the 6 years I have had Fibromyalgia, not to force myself through a flare. It is a very delicate balance. There is so much negativity flying up at me. Guilt, confusion, despair, anger, frustration. They all come roaring up from deep inside. Why do I have this illness? Why can't it just go away?  I want my life back! I want to be able to clean my house and have friends and a career and fun! I have learned to control these voices, emotions, and distract my mind while resting my body. It is still hard to override years of self-criticism but I have to say each one I go through I get better and better at dealing. But the consequence is still that nothing gets done and it simply sucks and that is just the way it is.

Or is it? Is this acceptance or acquiescence? Surrender or settling? I believe with all my heart we are given challenges in life. Some grow us, some brake us. Others stretch us and often accompany the severest pain we have ever felt. We are the generation of patients that are going to push Fibromyalgia from a confusing rheumatological syndrome to a succinct neurological complexity. There are enough of us to make a fuss and get noticed, and our numbers are growing at alarming rates. But the diagnosis Fibromyalgia can be abused. It can become a "catch all" for lazy doctors that don't have an interest in someone as a patient. Don't believe their symptoms are as severe as indicated when looking at basic lab results that are as normal as sunshine on a sunny day. It is VITALLY important any and all illnesses that share similar characteristics as Fibromyalgia be ruled out first. That is complex and expensive. This is part of why it it a nightmare to get a confirmed diagnosis. But all of that aside I know my life is on the right course and I simply must have faith what I have gone through will serve a greater purpose. This is not the life I would have ever imagined for myself in a million years. But it is okay. I have been blessed with so much good too. Now I just have to go clean up my house.

Thanks for joining,


  1. Leah- I have been in the post flare mess several thousand times. I know where you are. Not fun. We need a post flare cleaning lady. Not ourselves. I finally found one. Deb comes 2 or 3 times a month and I decide what she does based on what irritates me most. I pay her a little but I suspect that most of what she does is out of the kindness of her heart. I thank God for her efforts. As a person who believed I Can do it Myself and better than anyone else it has been hard to let go but necessary. Love your efforts in our behalf. Marilyn

  2. Leah - I can very much relate to this! It is a fine line between acceptance and resignation sometimes. I don't think we would be human if we didn't wander between the two, especially during the roiling emotions flares can bring! I think it is important we set new goals and directions for ourselves so we can regain our bearings when we get off course. Keep it up :). ~ Peter

  3. Anonymous above.. A Cleaning Lady would be great but we are not working to our potential so we can't afford it. hmmm That should be a goal an FM benefit of treatment! :) Oh god would my whole would change! :) The stress of not being able to do the norm in household chores would be off our backs! :)