If I Push Myself Until I Collapse, Is It Then Okay For Me To Be Sick?

I often feel this is the only time I get recognition and approval, respect that I am actually not just another person in the room of normal health. Suddenly, protest after protest ignored, the true nature of the Fibromyalgia beast shows its face on my face and all those demanding and self-absorbed people sweetly morph into concerned citizens wanting to know what they can do to help? LET ME GO WHEN I TELL YOU I NEED TO GO! I want to scream. BELIEVE ME, DON'T GUILT TRIP ME, WHEN I TELL YOU SOMETHING IS SIMPLY TOO MUCH! But I am to wiped to do much more than give a feeble smile, push myself into my automobile and get the hell out of there as fast as I can! I know many of my Fibro friends are givers, people pleasers, and don't take into account when making plans the reality of how difficult a situation can become once we are absorbed in it. That is something that is learned over time. Something that comes with the "management" of Fibro. I spent years crashing and burning after overdoing it, pissed off and resentful of both myself and those that demanded of me.

I still learn this lesson frequently, for I am stubborn and want to do it all. Fibromyalgia is much more prevalent in my life since my strokes last summer. Yet I still expect the same level of productivity from myself. And 6 months high on Predinsone's illusion of false energy did not help my mental comprehension of my diminished capacity. Now I sleep more, move slower, do less, crash harder and have much more pain than I did before last July. I really had my Fibromyalgia in a decent place. I had figured out my life passion, through this unpublished and unadvertised blog, surprisingly enough. I was making appointments to evaluate transcripts and applying for financial aid to obtain my Graduate degree in English Literature. I wanted to be a writer and craved a foundation in the classics. I had gone back to community college and taken Spanish and discovered my brain was capable of learning new information and retaining it! That opened doors and windows of possibility for me. 

But this was MY plan, not my life's destiny. For when those strokes hit and interrupted all my ambitions, the fear and anxiety of discovering what had happened stopped me cold. No, I did not have a brain tumor. No, I did not have an aneurysm ready to burst. But strokes? I was 33 years old. How had this happened? Yet I walked away from this more confident and sure of myself than I had ever been. For at some point during that hospital stay I laid down my life in surrender to my higher power, my God. I stopped making decisions for myself and let my life flow with the possibility of fulfilling the purpose of my creation. What has ensued is SO MUCH MORE than I could have ever imagined. And as the pain, anguish, anger, fear, anxiety, disappointment and guilt poured out of me and onto my computer screen, people started to identify with me. They started to pay attention. They began to rally around and wait for what I had to say. For in ripping my life wide open for all to see, exposing incredible vulnerability, others were able to identify with me. And look where we are now. And we are just getting started! So my dear friends, I give this advice to both you and me. When it gets to be too much, stop, assess if you are pushing yourself beyond your capacity, and if you are call it quits. Others may call you selfish, uncaring, self-obsessed and my favorite, you don't want to get better. Let 'em. Its your life, its short, its fraught with pain and guilt and frustration for most of us. But where you can, glean moments of clarity and control. You will be much happier with yourself and much less resentful of those around you. At least I think so, now all I have to do is actually do it.

Thanks for joining.

Leah

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