I am sick of apologizing for being me. I am sick of apologizing for being sick and not as productive or efficient or clear-headed as I once was. I am sick of apologizing for the passion that consumes me to get The Fibromyalgia Crusade out of my brain and actually doing something to better our lives. I am sick of apologizing for not going to bed early enough or keeping my house clean enough or taking the time to make myself pretty every day. I am sick of apologizing for not being available at the drop of a hat whenever someone else has a day off and wants to play. I am sick of apologizing if what it takes for me to manage my illness infringes on what you want to do for the moment/hour/day. I am sick of apologizing for having to rest and take it easy after a lot of activity. I am sick of apologizing if my day gets behind me and I need to write and post my blog after the sun has gone down. I am sick of apologizing for not being able to do what others want me to do when they want me to do it. I am sick of apologizing for checking in on The Fibromyalgia Fun House after being away for a while. I am sick of apologizing for not answering the phone when I am in a really bad mood or busy or just don't want to talk to anyone. I am sick of apologizing for taking care of myself and setting limits and boundaries that section me off from you. I am sick and tired of apologizing to you, but more important, I am sick of apologizing to me!
I am in a pickle. It takes money to start a business, legally protect your ideas, hire the professionals necessary to ensure you are not making colossal mistakes that could cost you a fortune or your intellectual property in the long run. Yet I can barely pay my rent, my husband is working double-time and is about ready to collapse and I had to quit my job because after 10 years, 5 of them battling CFS & Fibromyalgia, 2 strokes finally made it just too much to "power through" anymore. So how do I do this? It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and plenty of people are lurking around the corner waiting to steal what is not theirs. How do I get this off the ground and make the impact necessary to effect change in our lives, the life of the Fibromyalgia patient, and not sabotage my own existence? Do I just guess and do my best as I go? Pray I don't make poor decisions that result in huge and costly mistakes down the road? Well, I think so! Its so easy for me to preach to all of you, my readers and Fun House friends, to relax and realize you are doing the best you can with what you are given. One thing I am sure you all have noticed by now is how gifted I am at giving advice that I do not take!
So I am going to take a deep breath and draw the line in the sand where I stand. I am going to stop apologizing for not being the girl I was in the past. Always up for a good time, easily distractible and not terribly focused on my goals and objectives. I am going to take pride in my work and recognize that when starting a business it is not unreasonable to invest more time, energy and resources than one has available. I am going to stay calm and clear in my mind and spirit. AND I AM GOING TO STOP APOLOGIZING! I have done nothing wrong but get sick, grow up and define my purpose. I am proud of who I am and anticipate the momentum, the results of getting The Fibromyalgia Crusade off the ground will bring that badly needed break to the pressure and confusion that consume me. And I will start to see the change it will bring to the lives of each and every Fibromyalgia patient involved as we stand together as 1 strong voice, a collective patient body that will not take the doubt, criticism or ignorance that is serving to keep us suppressed and down any longer.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
AMEN Sister!
ReplyDeleteI hear you, I feel you, tears came to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteWOW! You said it…this fits so many of us. I, too, get tired of doing this, too. Some people I know truly do not understand, I have provided information for everyone I am close to and tried to explain everything to them. It’s hard to comprehend whenever someone has no idea how it feels because truly only those of us affected understand. Thank you so much for your blog, this post really helped me to see things and maybe stop coming down so hard on myself whenever I’m not able to do things or have to cancel something.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Apologizing over and over for things out of your control only piles on the stress, which adds to the brain fog, the frantic struggle to make up for perceived shortcomings, and ends up becoming a vicious circle. This is not to say you will never again experience stress if you quit apologizing, but you'll have less.
ReplyDeleteI made this same decision in 2002 when I was in that vicious circle and was so upset that my brain fog took over and I wrecked the car. I decided I'd better make peace with myself the way I am now, not the way I used to be. I cope much better now.
Honey, you just said it all!!!!! I often wonder, that all fibros I meet are/were very giving people, always wanting to help where ever they could, and I ask myelf: is fibro the payment for being a caring person?????
ReplyDeleteI hope you stick to what you wrote, to quit apoligizing and being proud of what you've accomplished. I hope to meet you someday in person, cause you are so in my heart.
Luv, Dani
Thank you for saying this. You are my inspiration!! My grown children have become very distant. They may have drawn a line in the sand, but now I dare them to cross it. I'm sure there are those you who can testify to samething. Thank God I have found this site. I am not alone anymore. I feel my spirit coming back.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to everyone.
Barbara
I AGREE! I think it is very hard for people who have relied on someone else for so much that they have totally and completely taken them for granted to accept that for once in their life they are saying NO! I have screamed it at the top of my lungs so many times and then relented and given them their way! I am finally at a crossroads where I DEMAND the same respect that I have given them all along. I have planted my feet firmly and I ain't movin' and they can't stand it! I actually had to put a block on several family members so they can't call and criticize and berate me and give me the dump trucks loads of bulls*** I have taken from them in the past! I am sick too Leah!
ReplyDeleteI'm so pleased to know we are taking a stand for ourselves. I had this huge weight lifted today when I read here. It finally made sense to me. I hate that I was so passive, and trying to keep my family close to me. It became very abusive. I live alone, I'm independent, but my grown children have become strangers. I know now it's because they fear they may have to take care of me. LOL. Poor souls. I couldn't find the courage to stop them. When I did voice my opinion they became even more ugly. I guess the bullies never thought I would stand up for myself. It hurt at first to know they didn't want me around, but I've grown stronger and I'm getting my confidence back. I'm a loner, but I'm strong.
ReplyDeleteLove and strength to all of you.
You said it all. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown as I speak. I just want the world to go away and leave me alone. I have had fibro all of my life, and at 51 it seems I am getting tired of fighting it. Well not "it" so much as fighting for everyone to see that I can't be the person they want me to be. For once I wish someone would come in and say "let me take care of you, let me figure out this or that and you stop worrying about it.....that has never happened. Everyone still expects me to do everything and I CAN'T.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to throw you a web site to look over. It is www.legalzoom.com they may be able to help with trademark, copyright...ect. at a low cost. Did not know if you had checked them out yet. I have never used them, just heard about them.
And I am not apologizing anymore myself...... : )
Well I am glad my mad rantings moved so many! We are blessed to have each other and the well-meaning but reality-blundering non-Fibrates we have to put our "patience" hats on to deal with too!
ReplyDeleteJust let it all out, Girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteThank you this message. I have been dealing with a lot of guilt lately because I have been backing away from doing many things I can no longer do. People don't understand. I have been doing too much for too long and now I'm depleted. I've pushed myself beyond the brink. It's not easy to pull back and say No to things I love to do.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what you are planning for your Crusade but I do worry when you talk about paying money for attorney's and funding a new project when you don't have the money. Can you slow things down a bit so your don't feel so pressured. Your husband is working a lot. It's not worth losing his health or damaging your relationship.
I don't want to throw cold water on what is probably a great idea........but I don't want you to spiral out of control, either.
Please take care of yourself. I'm still learning that, too.
Leah I felt like you were talking about me. I sooooo understand the frustration we all go through with this horrid disease and the lack of knowledge the general public has about it. No offense to the men, but I think all of us girls have formed a bond, we now have people who listen and understand us. We are all suffering with this and I am so glad we can share our thoughts and feelings here without being ridiculed.
ReplyDeleteYou said exactly all the things I want to say to the people around me who don't get it. I cross posted the first paragraph and the link to here so my peeps will see it. Thanks for your gift of writing! My rants tend to piss people off, guess I'm too harsh- LOL!
ReplyDeleteCross Post: http://shawna718.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-am-sick-of-apologizing-by-leah-tyler.html
THIS IS MY FIRST VISIT ANE FIRST OF ALL I TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECUSE IT EASIER OF MY FINGERS AND EYE SIGHT - NOT SHOUTING AS EVERYONE TELLS ME!!
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU FOR SAYING ALL THE THINGS I FEEL AND HAVE NOT EXPRESSED FOR FEAR OF LOOKING LIKE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME. I HURT EVERY DAY AND TAKES LOTS TO UP AND OUT OF BED AND I HIT THE BED EARLY. MY HUSBAND FEELS REJECTED AND I CAN'T HELP IT, SEX IS NOT ON MY AGENDA - AT ALL. IT IS NOT EASY TO THINK ABOUT IT WHEN MY HIP JOINT PAIN IS UNYEILDING TO THE OTC STUFF.
I WAS LAID OFF A YEAR 1/2 AGO. INSURANCE IS NOT AN OPTION CAN'T QUALIFY FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE! MEDS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE. I'M AT MY WITS END, AT 59 YRS. I FEEL LIKE IM IN A HOLE I CAN'T GET OUT OF! MY HUSBAND HAS A LOT OF HEALTH ISSUES AND IS RETIRED AND THANK GOD FOR MEDICARE. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A CAREGIVER FOR HIM BUT I AM SO OVER IT!!! THANKS FOR A PLACE TO VENT.
Just do it! The worst that can happen probably won't happen. We're great at adapting and making compromises. So if something throws you a curve ball in setting up and establishing your business I'm sure you'll handle it. Like myself, I find that many people with Fibro have a type A personality. Don't let it get in your way. Make a decision and don't look back - it'll feel good!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I so needed to read that as much as the rest. please keep blogging, its comforting to know others feel the same way and we are not alone in the darkness of this illness.
ReplyDelete