I Have Let Myself Go

I gave my husband a handy-dandy new techno-fab phone for his birthday last week that he is quite enamored with. He was playing with the camera last night and took some pictures of me...and when I saw them I started crying! I LOOK AWFUL! My face looks like a pasty-puffy round basketball, my blonde hair blending into the illusion, providing no contrast, no definition. I have LUGGAGE packed and ready to go for a month in Europe under my eyes and wish my chins stopped at double. Everyone tells me this is what Prednisone does to you, it's water weight, chipmunk cheeks, you look fine, don't worry. But I am worried! Horrified, embarrassed and really really mad! I have only gained back the 10 lbs. I lost in the hospital at the end of July but my face looks like it did when I was 30 lbs. heavier on Lyrica. I can blame some of this on the steroids, but have to take responsibility for my part as well. I have been eating. A lot. My portions are BIG, I eat for pure enjoyment, not a thought to calorie or consequence and I could visit Yogurtland daily, no problem. Oh yes, I am definitely contributing heavily to this weight gain. I have 2 choices here, keep it up and wind up HUGE at the end of the 4 months of treatment or take control of the situation NOW and fight the urge to stuff my face so I don't have such a big mountain to climb when I am finally off my hated-yet-needed-to-stay-alive-drug.

It is so important to feel confident in your appearance. Us Fibro's often hear "But you don't look sick!" and cringe at the unfairness of it all. Glad we don't look as bad as we feel, we are often imprisoned in a painful cell shrouded with ivy and roses. This is one of the reasons Fibromyalgia is so dismissed. But eventually this disease takes its toll on the outside as well. As we enter deep levels of sleep deprivation, fall victim to the side-effects of the many drugs, lose our ability to exercise and set our faces in a permanent frown-meets-grimace reflecting the hurt on the inside, we become shadows of our former selves. It is easy to stop caring about what is reflecting back in the mirror. It is hard to take pride in the effort and energy it takes to primp and fluff oneself up when there is simply no energy to spare. It seems like a waste to slather on makeup or coif your hair just to sit at home alone and feel miserable. But the reality of the situation is that as Fibromyalgia shreds us apart on the inside we are accepting it that much more by not fighting back on the outside. Think back to a time before you got sick (for some a lifetime ago) and had something like a common flu. After a couple of days of misery in bed-sweats and sleep-delirium the fever would break and you would drag your weak-but-feeling-somewhat-improved self into the shower. That action alone made you feel better, and on the road to recovery you were...

I have been home from hospitalization for the strokes almost 2 months now and am realizing I am falling into this trap again. I rarely wear makeup, throw on comfie "slipper clothes" every day and pay little attention to who is looking back at me in the mirror. Yesterday was a big wake-up call. If I want to be sick then I can live looking sick, but if I want to improve I must project that desire on the outside of my body, the 1 place I can actually control what is going on. So I may have a face as round as a basketball but damn it if I don't have a little blush and eyeliner on to balance out the puffiness. I may be bloated and hurting and have not 1 bit of energy to spare but garsh darn it, I am putting on jeans instead of sweats and brushing my hair! I am determined to look in the mirror and see a person that still, despite all the hardship, cares who is looking back at her.

Thanks for joining,
Leah