So Much Beautiful Pain

I want to take a moment to say Thank You to my readers, my supporters, my Facebook Fibromyalgia-family. I have been so overwhelmingly blessed to get to know each and every one of you over this last month. You have given me strength, acceptance, focus, laughter and clarity. I have also been humbled tremendously as we exchange stories, struggles, pain and anguish. I have found a camaraderie with you, something that was absent from my life, something I did not realize how badly I needed. But I have to admit something here...something I am not proud of. Although "managing" Fibromyalgia is a constant and everyday struggle, there reached a point in my recovery where I was no longer severely disabled and was able to return to the land of the living. I raced back to life, as limited as it was, gleeful to turn my back on the nightmare that was Fibromyalgia. I was so grateful to resume something even remotely resembling normal and attempted to pick up right where I left off (ha ha, like that was possible!). I conveniently "forgot" the misery and hopelessness accompanied by constant and pervasive writhing body pain, insatiable insomnia, fog brain and panicked desperation about my future. I silently disengaged from my hard-fought journey, just grateful it was behind me and forged ahead into new problems and challenges. They were always tempered by the Fibromyalgia at the end of the day, but Fibromyalgia was not my all-consuming cause anymore and I let her fall way down on my priority list. I would casually mention her only when my lack of normal activity came up. She became my excuse, not my focus.

That was selfish and wrong, and in no way appropriate for someone that had been given the gift of improvement from something so debilitating and devastating to behave. I forgive myself, for I am but human and guess that is what I needed at the time, but in choosing to shove Fibromyalgia into the back of the closet, turned away from not only my hard-fought journey, but the calling of my life. I will forever view the strokes as my "wake-up" to the cause. They reminded me, with a bright and shining light beckoning my very core, that life is fleeting and as purposeful as you make it. I was also reminded how vulnerable I really am and how quickly and easily one can slip into 1 health-nightmare merry-go-round or another. Life can flip on you in a matter of days, minutes. There are no guarantees.

I have found tremendous strength and courage in bonding with my fellow-fibrates. Although it is an everyday struggle I am determined to live in faith, not fear, and actualize my true purpose and calling. As I get to know each of you peeling through your own individual onion layers of illness I see so much beauty accompanied by so much pain, and I feel my feet are firmly rooted now. I must advocate for this disease, and I must thank each and every one of you for your support, words of encouragement, care, concern and acceptance. Together we can stand strong and make change happen, alone we are but that, just alone.

Thanks for joining,
Leah