Thursday, September 30, 2010

I Am Afloat In A Sea Of Bills

Oh my head is spinning today! I am so unbelievably overwhelmed with the details of my life. My phone is ringing off the hook with creditors hounding my heels, my mailbox is overflowing with debt collection and delinquency notices. Everyone wants money from me and I don't have any to give them! Having two strokes was expensive, and I have insurance! God bless those that don't, for I can only imagine how much harder this could be. We were already in mounds of debt from CFS and Fibromyalgia and barely hanging on by a thread, and having to quit my job has hurt us badly. We have been watching every penny but when there are more pennies going out than coming in, what's the difference? I am overwhelmingly manic today on top of all this, ADD all over the place. I start 2 things before I finish the 3 I am working on. The power of FOCUS is not my friend! But I refuse to do the Xanax knockout because it will all still be here waiting for me tomorrow, messier, sticker, more complicated. There is no escape and I must deal with it.

When I was in the hospital life was so clear-cut. What was imperative was so easy to see. Life, love, God, relationships, those are the important things in life. My husband and I reevaluated our priorities and decided he was going to stop working himself to the bone, financial fallout beware. He used up the last of his vacation for the year taking care of me that first week home, and taking care of himself, too. My strokes scared the bejesus out of him! He came very close to losing the wife he loves so much and wants a long, happy life with and it freaked him out. The fact that strokes took his mother nearly 10 years ago does not help his psyche any, either. But we have fallen right back into the trap we were in before, just more complicated, more problems, more stress. Where did that calm and peace in the absolute truth go? Where did the cojones to put ourselves first go? Where did the attitude of living in faith not fear go? I guess it flew out the door with my bank account!

In the middle of this manic-panic I call him up and tell him I am going to have to get a part-time job but know that will cut into this blog, The Fibromyalgia Crusade, and all the networking and awesome things that are happening because of it, and that just breaks my heart! He tries to calm me down but I am nuts! I am opening mail, on the phone, Facebooking and freaking out simultaneously. His suggestions to go to the pool or watch some T.V. fall on deaf ears. "You think I have time for that?" I shout! All of this must get done RIGHT NOW! We get off the phone as I glance up at my rosary hanging from my desk lamp and I know I must pray. Chanting through the decades fills me with peace and calm, a neurotic peace and calm, but none the less... I resume my multi-tasking manic a wee bit more focused as my husband texts me to tell me he is now going to work Saturdays and I am NOT going to get a part-time job. The work I am doing here is too important and holds too much potential to put on the back-burner of my life. I am astounded, flattered and overwhelmed by his faith in me, but cannot stand to see him burdening himself further. He is already stretched so thin! And I really had to ask myself, as I fluffed and puffed and prettied myself up for the day, where did my faith go? Is it just there when things get really bad or are really good? Is it just there when things seem manageable, when I can see the road I am on with no hidden twists and turns, no foggy patches, no blind spots? Is it only there for the crisis, not the long and arduous monotony of the uncertainty day in and day out? NO! It is there always! So my husband is NOT going to work on Saturdays, we will figure out the financial fix we are in one way or another and I am believing opportunity is going to come my way. I am believing that the number of people that take comfort in my voice of realistic optimism is going to grow further than Facebook or this blog, far beyond my wildest dreams... I am ready, I am waiting...opportunity come find me!

Thanks for joining,


  1. Leah, It is not a loss of faith. It is fibromyalgia... I cried for a week the first of the month when my daughter lost her job and as I write this tears are already in my eyes. We are not just weak in body, but mind and soul also and the Lord that I know understands that when our feet touch the ground again that he will be right there and so will we. Without my faith I would have already been in a nut house and I ain't talking shelling pecans. Were it not for knowing that he is just a whispered prayer away we would already be bonkers and on that special wing at the hospital. I have this beside my bed while I sleep....... Tho' often I am discoraged, I know that he is there, for when I whisper, he hears my fainest prayer. And I pray that also for you............

  2. Thank you for your words. Keeping the faith is the ONLY way I am here, not in that "special" wing in the hospital with you! It is amazing to have somewhere to put our burden, our pain, and God is good. Life will continue with it's struggles and challenges but it will continue!
    God bless,