When everything came crashing down around me last week I deployed my usual method of survival, isolation mode. I've used it many times over the past few years to clear my mind, find my strength and begin to knit together a plan to move forward. Not knowing quite how to get myself back on track I resurrected my old standby save for two specific outlets, engaging with my husband and writing this blog. My husband is my primary commitment in life and seeing as we live together, entirely unavoidable. But the last thing I expected was to find solace in writing a blog I felt somewhat estranged from and pretty uninspired by. Like most things in my life it had become one more obligation I felt I was failing at. Maybe quieting my mind from external stimulation reminded me why I started it in the first place, to figure out my life. Either way, that's what I'm using it for now.
My streamlined communication with the world at large feels like something I can manage. My hope is by stripping all the chaos of my life away and slowly adding things back I can begin to respect my own limits and decipher what sources of stress are sending me running for the nut house. See, I am hell bent with determination to survive my next flare without losing my mind in despair and desperation. Since Fibro is never late to the party my opportunity to try this came last night. I felt the familiar symptoms stir with a deep feeling of trepidation. "It's too soon!" I cried out in vain, but Fibro only laughed at me. As pain and pressure pinged around my body I took a deep breath and grabbed my life vest for yet one more wild ride down the rip tide.
So far so good. The devil hasn't taken over my mood, which is marvelous progress all on its own. Instead of forcing myself to go running this morning, something that caused me undue misery last week, I decided to go gentle on myself and clean the bathtub. It was a good choice, considering that alone nearly did me in. But I didn't get upset about my lack of motivation or how bad I felt. No, I used the down time to work on my book and accepted that these are the ebbs and flows of my life. Seeing as I haven't had contact with the outside world I didn't have bottled up hurt or frustration to obsess over, and that is perhaps the biggest win of all. I'm not sitting here stewing in a cesspool of negativity! It seems I am on to something here. With patience and determination I will continue down this road. Where it leads or where it ends, well, that is still to be told.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
