Well I got back on the horse. What else am I going to do? Take a long walk off a short pier or go play in traffic? So here I sit ready to try again. Raw, insecure and uncertain, but here I am. As I sort through the disillusionment in my mind I realize many of the sanity-saving tools I employed along the way got dropped in the dust a while back. I fell into my old behavior patterns. I allowed negativity and demands to infiltrate my sense of responsibility to myself. It's a big job, to regain my lost ground. I can do it, though. Not all at once, perfectly or on the first try, but it can be done. Of course this requires a significant amount of isolation and reflection. Accepting some will grumble over the selfish action of me taking care of me. Realizing that is not my problem. In fact, expecting myself to get a handle on my issues and then resume a level of interdependent living is exactly why I wound up back here in the first place.
I have finally accepted I cannot go back. Life is not ever going to be how it was before I got sick. If "resuming" is my ultimate goal I will only wind up here again and again and again. And each time I crumple into a quivering heap of defeat I have that much less to move forward with. The clarity such acute pain and distress gifted me with showed me something big. It is time to let go. I don't have the luxury of hanging on to the dysfunctional of life. This is a clear cut case of it or me, and I choose me.
The biggest gift I can give myself is to simply stop engaging. Realizing I spend a significant part of every day in a mental battle with anyone who made the last insensitive remark or snide put down was a blinding experience. The anger and negativity would stew inside of me until all I could do was react to it. Day in and day out my existence slowly became one big fat reaction to every little thing that rubbed me the wrong way. Now I know I have to let these experiences go. More importantly, I have to stop indulging my anger and negativity. And last but never least, I must turn my sights to the positive, the blessings, the goodness that lies in abundance all around me. Fill myself up with the belief that I have survived all I have in order to do something purposeful with my life. And then simplify my brain enough to go do it.
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