Friday, August 23, 2013

I'm Doing A Bad Job

The utter lunacy of this life has completely enveloped me. I sit here hurting so bad breathing is difficult. Does another pancreas attack lie in my path? Perhaps another stroke to shape my future? Maybe it's something new all together? Or is it, once again, "just" Fibromyalgia? I don't know. Which totally stresses me out, because I am on full tactical alert for the first symptom indicating something larger is at play. Which still could be "just" Fibromyalgia. However, sitting here in fight or flight only makes me hurt worse. In turn I become more freaked out. Should I take a pain pill? I don't have that many. Is this pain worth it? Will I miss an important symptom if I do? Something that could cost me my life? What if the pain goes away in an hour? Then I will be loopy the rest of the day for nothing. But I can barely sit here I hurt so damn bad...

And while all this is whirling around my head and paralyzing my body I am just supposed to get up on out the door and go live my life like a normal, healthy person. After all that's what I look like, isn't it? And that is the utter lunacy sucking me in. Instead of feeling like I have survived something insurmountable I feel like a burden. Labeled a loon by modern medicine and judged very harshly because some, but not all, of my health problems fall under the guise of something science just can't explain. Yet.

How many lives have been sucked up in this vacuum of utter chaos? My reality sits in direct odds with my reality and I don't know how much more I can take. I don't have that much fight left in me. I've been beaten to smithereens so many times by Fibromyalgia, my other health problems, doctors, employers, friends, family and strangers alike. Somehow at the end of the day it always comes back to what I am not doing for them. I have no answers, only sorrow. Will this pass? Probably. Hopefully. Ultimately my life is my responsibility and I have to figure this out. It's becoming glaringly obvious over the past eight years of constant toil and struggle I have not done enough. The burden of this compassion-less world is overtaking me. I don't know how to live in it anymore. I simply cannot give enough to satisfy my obligations. I don't know if I am dying from one day to the next. And no matter how many times I get back on the horse I just keep falling off...

Thanks for joining,