Sunday, August 29, 2010

So Many Ups & Downs

Wow, yesterday was 1 tumultuous Saturday! It started off well enough with my natural 8:30am wake-up finding me revived and bounding out the door to take the fur-babies on our usually reserved-for-the-weekdays walk. I was eagerly anticipating a guilt (and chewed-up shoes) free day of play for my husband and I to indulge in if they are well exercised and tended to. I happily blogged and caught up on Facebook until he woke and started hollarin' at me from the bedroom. I had barricaded it from the dogs to ensure as much sleep for him as possible. I then made the breakfast of my dreams; grits, bacon, scrambled eggs & plump, juicy red grapes (so great for that dreaded weight-gain!) and relished every last bite of high-cholesterol ecstasy. Then I started doing the dishes and the frantic sets by the time I am finally able to get in the shower and ride out the mood swings half the day is already behind me. Whatever. We head to the coffee shop so I can write and my husband can study the theory of acting. At this point I am on 1 Flexeril and 1/8 Xanax and have stabilized both my mood and manic, no easy feat. Then its time to go pick up Grandma and Auntie from the airport. Baby-puppy-girl pukes all over my poor 93 year-old Grandmother (she was such a good sport and I felt so bad), and the whole rest of the day seemed to de-rail from there. Up and down, back and forth...we vacillated over our next move; fighting over giving up and going home sad and forlorn, forging ahead with our Saturday afternoon plans of rest and relaxation we so desperately need at our favorite pet-friendly lobby-bar happy-hour, changing plans all together and doing something completely different or simply allowing the frustration of our circumstances take-over, surrendering to the flaming rage of emotions pouring out of both of us.

Money is such a major problem! We simply don't have any to spare! Not enough to pay our bills, let alone afford a standard of living that allows even a taste of enjoyment. We have worked so hard for so many years and are in our mid 30's (did I really just say that?) and want and need a little bit of of rest & relaxation and fun along the way... Every experience out is met with such high expectations, such a tremendous amount of reward needing to come from each effort, and that is simply exhausting! But sitting cooped up in this house is exhausting too, feeling like life is happening out there while we are stuck in here just imagining or remembering our dreaming about what could be. Since all my husband does is work and I have not been working at all our only social contact happens on the weekends. I find I am desperate to pack as much into each day as possible, ignoring the need to simply just be and what that truly does for ones soul. Trying to find a balance, always trying to find a balance. We decided to forge ahead and went to the lobby bar anyway, me with me agua con mineral , more Flexeril & Xanax to reel me in and my husband tossin' back Manhattan's, munching on our half-priced appetizers. Then a monsoon hits and we have to dive under cover and once the food is gone so is the rain and any attempt at relaxation. And of course we spent more than we wanted to, and once again the up & down of mood and disappointment and regret Richter-scale our stability... It was a truly exhausting day!

So I woke up this morning with resolve to chill out! The only absolute was church, the rest of the day flowing and free to bend with the whims of the moment. It has been a much better day indeed...and shows me what one of my biggest problem is, both on steroids and just being who I am. I have got to let more roll off my back! I have got to learn how to go with the flow! I have got to remember how to take a big swig of "fuck it" and not get so damn upset over every little thing that is out of my control, because ultimately everything is out of my control. Fibromyalgia will give you a hard and fast crash course in that truth. Sunday night finds me once again with new just do better than the week before. Keep up the good progress and build tiny little increments of improvement on top of that. Nothing sweeping or drastic, just slow and steady and stable. That is where the art of perfecting living comes in, recognizing enough to know when you need to change...and when you just need to chill.

Thanks for joining,

1 comment:

  1. My 89 yr old mom, who used to be a bit prim and proper, has a wonderful phrase that helps her through her daily life and although it surprised me at first, also helps me: "Do your best at whatever you are doing, and then just say, 'the hell with it' and move on..." Hope it helps you, too! Smile and enjoy your day.