God Is Good

Okay I usually try to keep all things God, faith or religion based loose and malleable. I have respect for all of God's children and their personal and chosen way to commune with their maker. My God is the same as your God that is the same as their God, all the same to me. You will be hard-pressed to find a less judgmental or preachy individual, but today I am going to set all that aside and SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS that a miracle has happened and my faith is flowing! Actually my faith was already flowing so maybe that's why this happened. One of the largest stresses in my life, 2nd only to my excessive and ridiculous health problems, are our financial woes. Ironically I just blogged and whined and cried about it last night...how hard it is to work endlessly and do nothing but struggle, barely getting by. How sick I am of not even being able to sneak a little bit of indulgence and time out with my husband to stop and smell the roses, really inhaling and enveloping in their rich fragrant essence. Or take a vacation or go shopping for something other than groceries or do just about anything that resembles enjoyment, because it all requires MONEY. Money we don't even have enough of to pay our bills.

When I was in the hospital at the end of July, strokes zapping my brain and unsure of the promise of survival, I had to swallow the financial fear of what each day in the ICU was costing me and re-focus on what is really important...LIFE. Oh this is so much easier to do while on Dilaudid! When I returned home from my 6-day-$100,000 vacation (ha ha ha) my husband and I sat on the sofa staring at each other, shocked by what had just happened, thrilled beyond compare that I was going to live and simply terrified by what this meant to our finances now that I was off work for at least a month and had racked up even more excessive medical bills. Our funds were already about to crack, and we were ice-skating haphazardly on the top layer of a frozen pond well into the spring thaw. It was thin and just about to break. The dreaded word BANKRUPTCY came up over and over again, catching in the throat of our future but seeming to be the only way out.

A couple of days of de-compression later I woke up with the greatest peace and calm that had come over me while I was sleeping. God had spoken to me in my dreams that we were absolutely going to be okay financially. We had to have faith, for the answer was nowhere near in front of us, and we had to not spend, but we were going to be just fine. I woke my husband up glowing and radiating the conviction of this promise. I felt secure and sure and optimistic and hopeful, and knew if we just continued to WALK IN FAITH, NOT FEAR we would be okay. This incredible calm has vacillated many times over the last 3 weeks. As I returned to real life and the struggle with the steroids, the multiple directions they are pulling my body and mind in all at the same time, as the medical bills come flowing through the mailbox, as the number in our bank account reaches the single digits, it has been hard. I have had to constantly remind myself to get a grip...fear will swallow your whole life up if you let it! But if you ignore it, squash it, give it no credence, then it holds no relevance. We have made going to church a priority, knowing we need the spiritual nourishment communing with our fellow believers gives us. I have also written that check with blind faith to put in the collection basket, knowing there are so many others far less fortunate than we are and believing that in blessing others, we will be blessed.

The phone call came this morning. The answer to the prayers, the fulfillment of the promise God gave me those few weeks back. It is not free money. No never free. It has to be paid back, but it is enough to keep our heads above water and keep us going...what always seems to be the case. We are always blessed with just enough to get by. Nothing more, but no catastrophic carnage either. Once again it has happened and I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing I can pay my medical bills and consolidate high-interest debt into a low-interest manageable payment. I can keep on seeking wellness and health without fear of eviction from my apartment or repossession of my vehicles. Or refusal of my litany of doctors to keep treating me because I cannot pay them. Thank you, dear Lord, for giving us this reward for our faithful obedience. These are the prayer and verses I say daily, meditate on with my rosary, chant endlessly in the face of manic and frenzy, remind myself of every time fear slimes its gooey sucking treachery into my soul:

Father, Son and Holy Spirit have mercy on me.
I thank you, rejoice in you and submit to your will.
Please use me for your glory.
Amen

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for THOU art with me. Psalm 23:4

I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.
Psalm 118:17

Over and over again, every time dread and panic grip my heart, I keep coming back to this. I know my greater purpose on this earth has not been fulfilled, and I keep revisiting the fact that I nearly died just 1 month ago but did not because I still have work to do. Work that can only be accomplished if my sights are right. Oh God is so good...

Thanks for joining,
Leah