Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Delusions Of Grandeur

My oh my has today found me in quite a state! I did much better eating yesterday, lots of veggies and no snacking and only 2 tiny little pieces of toffee after dinner. Marked improvement from my garbage-can-vacuum mouth last week! My stomach still feels bloated and full but not as bad. But the manic-shaking-Prednisone race I am on without Flexeril to calm it down sent me into over-productive mode and brought on a headache. I did manage to accomplish quite a bit, but then had to relent to medicating it away as I sat at my desk organizing paperwork, my body in a constant and deep state of frantic quiver and flutter. Once the muscle-relaxer kicks in its like someone is pushing on the FOOD button of my brain and all I want to do, think about, consider or ponder is eating! And then I started feeling quite low. My psychiatrist has me stepping down off Lexapro by next week due to the questionable relationship with the strokes and I have already reduced the Welbutrin dosage in half because of the low-seizure threshold so maybe that's what this is all about. But all I know is I am bewildered, confused, insecure, feeling completely out of control with my life and quite unhappy. I have my dream life, and I have my real life, and the bridge that I was building between the two has been wiped out in the storm of STILL MORE HEALTH PROBLEMS. These strokes really set me back, and I feel like once I can see the light at the end of the tunnel its really just the headlight of yet another train bearing down to flatten me once again. How much fight can 1 girl have inside her? How hard does life have to get before it gets any easier?

Yeah, yeah I know I need to count my blessings and live in faith not fear and take all of my own advice, but I just don't wanna right now! I wanna feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity and guilt over how badly my multitude of health problems have fucked our lives up. The debt is a never-ending mountain of a dump on top of our ambitions, hopes, dreams and possibilities. And now with this new health crisis I am out of work, have very little faith that I will be back anytime soon and racking up even more medical bills on top of feeling like a speed-freak that wants to do nothing but eat! What a horrible combo...I could at least get skinny out of this, one would think. But I digress...

So the life I strive for, the one I dream of, consists of natural health, holistic living, nurturing the spirit and giving to others. It also contains a steady stream of cash to facilitate all of this as well as afford a standard of living that allows a taste of all the goodness life has to offer. Is this delusional? Is striving for life on my terms completely unrealistic and shallow? Is pinning all my hopes and dreams on some vague and self-invented career as a writer just the place my brain has created to avoid having to face the reality of my now? Is simply believing not enough? Oh I am so confused, and as my husband begins his class to facilitate his dream career tomorrow he is feeling the same thing. 2 Negative Nellie's never helped each other accomplish much, now have they?

Deep in my heart I know this is the process I must get through. I gave myself a false illusion of progress, hope and security with the anti-depressants. Now I must face even greater problems without them. So it all comes back to living holistically. Meditate, don't medicate. Forgive myself, don't flog myself. Allow my feelings to surface but don't give into every self-destructive impulse they pull me towards. Am I stronger than depression, pancreatitis, Fibromyalgia and strokes? HELL YEAH I AM...I just have to go find that girl now...

Thanks for joining,

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