I was standing in my bathroom yesterday, putting lotion on and thinking about the last time I was hospitalized for Pancreatitis. It was in 2007 when I was still living in San Francisco. I had gone back to work only a month before, after 7 months on disability. But working was too much for me. I was in severe pain and living on Percocet, completely panicked and freaking out about my reality. My pancreas said, "BOO" and stuck me in the hospital for six horrible miserable pain filled days. Unfortunately I had awful communication barriers with my foreign doctor and she communicated to everyone on hospital staff I was a junkie. The pain medication she prescribed allotted me little relief from the acute agony of my pancreas digesting itself. I cried most of the time I was in there from epic amounts of pain and confusion, for I had no idea why I was being treated so poorly. This was my fourth attack, but my first with Fibromyalgia. I can only imagine that is what hell is like.
So standing in my bathroom four years later I remember this, and got so pissed at that doctor! I became enraged at her malicious untruths that a Fibromyalgia patient trying to work retail to feed themselves was a junkie. And then I remembered what holding on to this kind of stuff does to me. It makes me grouchy and bitchy and miserable. Eventually, if I make it important enough, it will give me a flare and make me quite sick. Deciding I was not in the mood for another ride around the circular file of madness I remembered my choice. The two thoughts conflicted in my brain as they danced around the boxing ring glaring at each other, wondering who would win. With incredible purpose I grabbed that little box of anger floating out in front of me. I acknowledged I already moved past the phase in my life where doing anything about this was long over. It took everything I had but I took that anger, saying a little prayer of hope that doctor is still not treating Fibro patients like junkies, and released it. It flew away in a flutter and I had my day back.
Thanks for joining,